The Great Beyond

Pioneer Square

   Or, more specifically, the Great Beyond past California Borders. I have two and a half weeks (but really, only two weekends) until I depart for Seattle. I'm at a constant uneven kilter at this point. Half of me is jumping up and down and impatiently counting down the days until I move. The other half will magically appear and remind me that I know very little about the city, and even less of what I'm going to do once I DO show up. Which then makes me feel a panic so strong that I ask myself  "WHY THE HELL AM I MOVING!?!?"


   Why AM I moving? I have friends here, and er...sort of a family--dysfunctional and deteriorating as it is--all lined up. I have Disneyland, Knotts, and the beach all within a twenty minute drive. I have warm weather, children I love, and even a job in a school that wants me to come and work for them. I have a life that seems pretty okay to me. However, I recall that the things that I most want in life, I can't have here. I can't grow, change, or make more of myself. I will never own a house--let a lone a condo--here in California. I can't have my own life. And for those reasons alone, I need to move.

    I admit freely that it DOES take me a while sometimes to adjust to ideas. For me, picking Seattle at the time was a great choice. But as the days get closer and closer I feel scared to know that I really am all alone. It's very much like the feeling I had when I first decided to move out at 19. Moving then turned out to be a good thing, despite the racing heart and panic. It had taught me more about myself than I would have learned staying at home. Seattle is just a bigger step. Its intimidating because unlike so many years ago, I will be leaving to a place where I don't know the city, the streets, or the people. On good days such thoughts make me itch to go explore. On bad days like today, it makes me worry if I'm really making the right decision, if I can really survive outside of California.

     The Great Beyond seems far away and all too close at the same time. I suppose the best I can do is take a deep breath and hope to the gods above that everything (including a friend and a drugged up cat) will fit into my car. The chapter of California is over, and whether I'm ready or not, I'm about to turn the page to a new chapter. But I'm ready.

 I think.