I didn't think I'd be where I am now. To be honest, I didn't really know *where* I'd be at this age. Not living at home like am. Not struggling as hard as I am (mentally and financially). I know how lucky I am. I do. I'm not homeless, I don't have parents who abuse me or am starving for food. I have no right to complain......but I will.
I once heard some one say "just because someone has a problem that seems worse than yours doesn't mean that your's isn't any less valid." If it causes you deep stress in your life, and angst, then even if it seems stupid, to you it, it IS real. And it IS a problem and valid.
I feel like a failure. I feel like when my life DOES finally change, it'll change for the worse.
I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I took a wrong turn and apparently found the ONE hole in the wall and I'm now lost. No light to be seen. You get used to running into walls.
I'm supposed to be celebrating Beltane, the festival of love and fertility and getting it on. And I sit here, terrified of the future, terrified of love, terrified of being alone. Some Beltane. All I can imagine is that a year from now two things will have happened 1) That I'm still the same with nothing to show for my life yet again or 2) that my life will have changed but for the worst.
I can feel hope for myself leeching out of my system as quickly as the alcohol I consumed is. Too quickly. Where once I saw a hopeful future of fun and light and art and creativity, all I see now is me desperately scrambling to find a job I'll hate to survive. The threat of of that second future is very real at the moment. And the most likely.
It's scary enough, and I feel hopeless enough to think of a third alternative. One I tried once before and promised I wouldn't again because I didn't want to end up like my grandmother. That keeps me from doing it. But boy am I on that slope. I'm on the edge looking down at the friendly blackness and thinking, "So what? No one will miss me. I'm not the light in anyone's day, or someone people think about often. If I were gone, it'd be like I was never there."
I once heard some one say "just because someone has a problem that seems worse than yours doesn't mean that your's isn't any less valid." If it causes you deep stress in your life, and angst, then even if it seems stupid, to you it, it IS real. And it IS a problem and valid.
I feel like a failure. I feel like when my life DOES finally change, it'll change for the worse.
I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I took a wrong turn and apparently found the ONE hole in the wall and I'm now lost. No light to be seen. You get used to running into walls.
I'm supposed to be celebrating Beltane, the festival of love and fertility and getting it on. And I sit here, terrified of the future, terrified of love, terrified of being alone. Some Beltane. All I can imagine is that a year from now two things will have happened 1) That I'm still the same with nothing to show for my life yet again or 2) that my life will have changed but for the worst.
I can feel hope for myself leeching out of my system as quickly as the alcohol I consumed is. Too quickly. Where once I saw a hopeful future of fun and light and art and creativity, all I see now is me desperately scrambling to find a job I'll hate to survive. The threat of of that second future is very real at the moment. And the most likely.
It's scary enough, and I feel hopeless enough to think of a third alternative. One I tried once before and promised I wouldn't again because I didn't want to end up like my grandmother. That keeps me from doing it. But boy am I on that slope. I'm on the edge looking down at the friendly blackness and thinking, "So what? No one will miss me. I'm not the light in anyone's day, or someone people think about often. If I were gone, it'd be like I was never there."
I've never been anyone's special anything. Truly. That isn't depression talking. That's fact. I've had a nasty habit of attracting both friends and boys that I'm always into more than they're into me. In the end my heart gets hurt, I'm a little more scarred, a little more disillusioned and waaaaay more alone. I'm the third wheel, the second fiddle, the afterthought. I'm usually the afterthought. Its something that I've been since I was a tiny kid.
The future didn't used to scare me. It does now. I'm terrified of being a failure to myself, of not amounting to anything, of living life pay check to pay check like I am now. Barely making it. Barely living, and alone. Always alone. I know some of that is my fault too. I've been hurt so many times I don't want to take a chance on anyone again. And honestly, I don't know that there's anyone left TO take a chance on. I'm almost 30. It's not old, but it's not young. Its that age where your friends are married, have kids, have jobs, have...something and some one. And I don't. I don't even have an apartment. Just a cat.
I'm an embarrassment to the modern woman.
I thought I'd be someone more than this. I thought I'd be better than this. But I'm not.
I'm just me.
And that thought makes me feel even worse. 'Just me' isn't a very good person. I'm falling short and falling apart and I don't know how to glue my world back together again.
The future didn't used to scare me. It does now. I'm terrified of being a failure to myself, of not amounting to anything, of living life pay check to pay check like I am now. Barely making it. Barely living, and alone. Always alone. I know some of that is my fault too. I've been hurt so many times I don't want to take a chance on anyone again. And honestly, I don't know that there's anyone left TO take a chance on. I'm almost 30. It's not old, but it's not young. Its that age where your friends are married, have kids, have jobs, have...something and some one. And I don't. I don't even have an apartment. Just a cat.
I'm an embarrassment to the modern woman.
I thought I'd be someone more than this. I thought I'd be better than this. But I'm not.
I'm just me.
And that thought makes me feel even worse. 'Just me' isn't a very good person. I'm falling short and falling apart and I don't know how to glue my world back together again.
