I don't do well with changes, and my life's going through a lot of it all at once. I realize of course, that my complains are definitely 1st world problems. Still doesn't mean they aren't problems.
I have to tell my job that I need to quit. For some people confrontation isn't a big deal to them. Swinging from one job to the next after a few months or even a year is no big deal for them and they feel no remorse doing so. It is to me. I hate confrontation. I hate giving bad news. And in this particular instance I hate the changes that are coming WITH the news I'm giving them. I have to tell the family I nanny for--the family that I really like and get along with--that I have to quit. Which I HATE. But mainly I have to do it because of the following reasons:
a) My mom told me to move out at the end of summer
b) The family was going to give me less hours this summer (and I'm already struggling)
c) I have to get my writing off the ground (still)
I think I have the reverse reaction in my (now recognized) depression. Most people hovel away from the world and friends when depressed. I overly share. I need to talk. I need to think. I need to talk as fast as I think. I need to connect with people but often feel like I'm NOT, or that if I do people will get annoyed with hearing me talk about it over and over. I over talk and over think everything. I can't seem to help it.
My life is taking on a lot of changes all at once. Some of the changes are good. I needed a new job anyway since the family I nanny for DID cut my hours. I wasn't sure how to tell them I'm quitting over it. At least now I can tell them that I'm quitting due to outside forces (ie my mom). Sounds less worse. Wait. Is that correct English? Eh, whatever! A new job was inevitable. But then the whole 'oh yeah, and move out' thing is a big change for me. Huge.
Some people do well with change. Some people thrive on moving place to place. I'm not one such person. I love travel and seeing new places and people. I even like airplane rides! But I don't like moving. I don't like the painfulness that comes with pulling up my little roots that I've stuck into the ground. It hurts and I leave a piece of myself and a piece of safety along with it each time. There is no safety or permanence in any place I go to from now on. And that's scary for me.
But on the other hand to counteract having an insane meltdown of epic proportions I will list the good things that will come with a new job and moving:
1) More money to save
2) Money I can chose to do what I want with
3) Living in a place with (hopefully) friends
4) Able to do lots more Vlogs as will be alone in said apartment a lot (most likely)
5) I can travel the world more
6) Change is good
7) Probably
I know I have to roll with the punches and see what life will have in store for me. But it's hard to do that when you're still trying to crawl up a hole and aren't sure what's on the top. Also, these walls I'm crawling up are very muddy and slick. One wrong move or word and serious damage could happen. Like, I could fall back into the hole. But I need to keep thing in perspective. Once tomorrow happens and I tell the family that I'll be leaving I can move forward. Forward is good. Forward is better than falling or staying right?
Meditation is required now I think. Meditation and lots of deep breathing. Because I'm not looking forward to this conversation tomorrow, and I don't even know how to say it nicely. Honest is fine. But how am I going to even START this conversation. Give me a hand universe, since you seemed to have taken delight in throwing me into all of this change.
