Stop And Go

Some liken life to a roller coaster while some liken in to a merry-go-round. I think the point is that life is full of ups and downs with some cotton candy and popcorn that tasted good at the time, thrown in. But it seems to me that my life mainly consists of stops and goes. Red lights and green lights.  Crazy good happy times followed by periods of non-action and constant worry and stress.

I feel like a person driving a car whose probably looking at their iPod more than they should be and being surprised by each light. When good things happen, I'm surprised, and when bad things (or stagnant moments) happen I'm equally surprised.

For instance, my books is being published (yaaay!) but it's up to me as to when I get it released. At least to degree. it depends on how quickly I edit. And my editor...well. I won't get into it. It's nothing bad or major just...a yellow light I suppose. And while I'm feeling torn between yay and stressed I received an e-mail querying about my other novel--which is awesome! Will they pick it up? I don't know! But I hope they do, because I love that story!

But meanwhile I'm on vacation but feeling like I shouldn't be. I should be writing more and I'm not. And to add to the cacophony of it all I feel the deep desire to Vlog and I can't. I don't have the camera I want to film such things. I want to film. I want to get back into my beautiful lil' book community. But with my camera stolen and my editing program deciding that it wants to take a 2 year break its been hard.

Stop and go. Zero to 160. Right now, for some reason, I feel like I'm at a red light. A lot of things that COULD be or WILL be but it's on pause. I'm at a red light getting ready to go and not sure if I'm able to floor it but hoping I do.

But also it could be headache talking.

Life Goals and Being Green

     For the first 8 years of my life I spent many of it in a place called Modjeska Canyon. I wrote a post about Modjeska with pictures a while ago, you can probably still find it! Modjeska is a magical place. Its also the place that set me up for my love of nature and art and 'different'. Everyone there was an artist of some type even if it wasn't their main job it was what they did on weekends. You could find people making pottery, gardening, quilting, painting, making music...all of these sounds and sights and smells were mixed with the scent of dust and trees and animals.

       My parents were no exceptions. Both played guitar, both were artsy by nature despite 'normal' jobs, and both loved gardening. LOVED it. I remember as a tiny kid watching my dad plant plum, peach, and apricot trees along our fence. When my parents had first moved into the tiny house they planted a grape vine, only to realize too late that it was a wine grape, and the green grapes were small and sour. They were (and still are, because the vine is still there!) my favorite grapes in the world.

      Whenever we moved my mom had plants. My dad bought 28 acres of land. My love of food and growing things myself comes from them and watching them. While some people want to run away from the cities and suburbs and buy huge amounts of land and homestead I'm about balance.

      Would I love to drop everything if I won 2 million dollars and run away to the mountains to grow my own veggies and chickens and build a quaint Victorian looking cottage complete with a stone fireplace and a horse? Sure! As long as I can keep the internet and TV and be 15 minutes from town. 10 would be better. I love gardening and being 'green'. But I also love ice cream and movie theaters and PEOPLE. I'm about balance. Balance is good!

      Now that my book is getting closer and closer to being published (2017 is going to be an interesting ride you guys!) I have little hopes and dreams popping up. Mainly dreams of buying a cute house with 1 to 2 acres of land so I can garden and own Irish Wolf Hounds and a pony. And wildflowers. That's always been a dream of mine since I was 13, but now it seems that if things go well, I can make it a reality!

Isn't it cute!? It just needs wild flowers and it'll be perfect!

     I'm not big on huge houses. I'm big on houses that fit your lifestyle. When I'm not being an author I'm nannying other peoples kids and usually that's for the rich. I can't tell you how wasteful those large homes are. 10 bedrooms, 12 bathrooms, 3 living rooms, a kitchen the size of a normal house....and 2 kids. Maybe 1. That's it. The houses are huge and filled with expensive furniture and no one uses any rooms except the kitchen and the family room. I'm not about that.

       I just want a normal sized house with lots of land to grow food and flowers and next to a strip of trees so the kids I'll someday adopt can run around and build treehouses in them. And of course I need chickens. Who doesn't!? But regardless of the amount of money I make off of my books I just want nature. I miss being able to build raised beds and harvest my own food and grow pumpkins for Halloween (i've done it!). I want to be more earth conscious which is why I'm now learning to can my own food! I want a garden again.

    So I'm going to do it. The money I make from my books will go to not only travel (because lets face it the only thing I want more than a garden with chickens is to travel the world and collect friends and story ideas and eat food. So much food.) but to saving up for a nice little house I can fix up and some land I can grow things on.

     Life goals are different for everyone. Mine are simple. Get books published so I can help teens and adults escape the world for a while and learn something about themselves, travel the world to see and feel and eat, buy a small house with a bit of land, and adopt kids. That's all I want.

     Fame is something that's secondary for me. I don't NEED fame of massive proportions. If I get it, it's a bonus and I'll take it. But my life goals are to just enjoy life and help people. That's really what it comes down to. Well, and chocolate. Chocolate is a big thing too.

     I don't know what my life will look like 5 years. Hell, I don't know what my life will look like in THREE years. But I hope it includes me traveling the world and making friends and putting down roots in a home where I can my own food and grow my own things and have artsy neighbors. Really, I hope it means that I move back to Modjeska. Or at least somewhere very green with nice people.

    In the mean time, enjoy this picture of linen. Because it's calming right? RIGHT!? We won't think about how it'll probably be stiff when it's done. Oops.

       

Changes

I don't do well with changes, and my life's going through a lot of it all at once. I realize of course, that my complains are definitely 1st world problems. Still doesn't mean they aren't problems.

I have to tell my job that I need to quit. For some people confrontation isn't a big deal to them. Swinging from one job to the next after a few months or even a year is no big deal for them and they feel no remorse doing so. It is to me. I hate confrontation. I hate giving bad news. And in this particular instance I hate the changes that are coming WITH the news I'm giving them. I have to tell the family I nanny for--the family that I really like and get along with--that I have to quit. Which I HATE. But mainly I have to do it because of the following reasons:

a) My mom told me to move out at the end of summer

b) The family was going to give me less hours this summer (and I'm already struggling)

c) I have to get my writing off the ground (still)

I think I have the reverse reaction in my (now recognized) depression. Most people hovel away from the world and friends when depressed. I overly share. I need to talk. I need to think. I need to talk as fast as I think. I need to connect with people but often feel like I'm NOT, or that if I do people will get annoyed with hearing me talk about it over and over. I over talk and over think everything. I can't seem to help it.

My life is taking on a lot of changes all at once. Some of the changes are good. I needed a new job anyway since the family I nanny for DID cut my hours. I wasn't sure how to tell them I'm quitting over it. At least now I can tell them that I'm quitting due to outside forces (ie my mom). Sounds less worse. Wait. Is that correct English? Eh, whatever! A new job was inevitable. But then the whole 'oh yeah, and move out' thing is a big change for me. Huge.

Some people do well with change. Some people thrive on moving place to place. I'm not one such person. I love travel and seeing new places and people. I even like airplane rides! But I don't like moving. I don't like the painfulness that comes with pulling up my little roots that I've stuck into the ground. It hurts and I leave a piece of myself and a piece of safety along with it each time. There is no safety or permanence in any place I go to from now on. And that's scary for me.

But on the other hand to counteract having an insane meltdown of epic proportions I will list the good things that will come with a new job and moving:

1) More money to save
2) Money I can chose to do what I want with
3) Living in a place with (hopefully) friends
4) Able to do lots more Vlogs as will be alone in said apartment a lot (most likely)
5) I can travel the world more
6) Change is good
7) Probably

I know I have to roll with the punches and see what life will have in store for me. But it's hard to do that when you're still trying to crawl up a hole and aren't sure what's on the top. Also, these walls I'm crawling up are very muddy and slick. One wrong move or word and serious damage could happen. Like, I could fall back into the hole. But I need to keep thing in perspective. Once tomorrow happens and I tell the family that I'll be leaving I can move forward. Forward is good. Forward is better than falling or staying right?

Meditation is required now I think. Meditation and lots of deep breathing. Because I'm not looking forward to this conversation tomorrow, and I don't even know how to say it nicely. Honest is fine. But how am I going to even START this conversation. Give me a hand universe, since you seemed to have taken delight in throwing me into all of this change.

Sailing On a Dream

When I made this title for my blog I remember liking it because it sounded neat. It sounded like a song. It sounded like something I'd say. In the back of my mind something deeper niggled and tried to make push deeper--but I was too busy learning Japanese. Sorry philosophical voice in my head. But first, news (because I know you all care soooo much by all the comments you leave me here!):

The beginning of this year (ie January 1st) is really living up to it's potential. Or rather, all the little seeds I've tended to last year are starting to sprout. It's hard to see they're sprouting. And sometimes something sprouts up from a seed I didn't even know I'd planted! I had committed this year to being the year I just went and did it. It. Anything. SOMETHING. It's the year I do stuff. And so far...my god.

If you'd told me last year that me making friends with other writers or using twitter or that I'd finish my freaking sci-fi novel would pan out into this year I'd say you'd eaten too many goldfish crackers.

But here I am.

Here I am only a month and half into 2016 and amazing, incredible things are happening. Last year felt like it was moving to slow and too fast. I got stalled a lot creatively. But my actual job went by way too fast. I won a lot of little small victories that I didn't properly celebrate because to me it wasn't the big end goal of GETTING PUBLISHED. But looking back (as you're wont to do) I see now a lot of those little victories are why I'm where I'm at now. And I appreciate them.

I've won 1st place in a story writing competition, and Honorable Mention in another prestigious competition with a crap ton of entries from all over the world. And, just last week, I got my first offer for my sci-fi book.

ARE YOU FREAKING OUT JUST LIKE ME, MY LITTLE BLOG AND BOT FOLLOWERS!??!

But try not to freak out too much! The offer is great except for the time frame. They want to publish my book a year from now. Which I would be okay with (well, no really) if it were a traditional publishing house. It takes a year to a year and half for them to publish it and put it in book stores. But this is a Digital Publishing House. The average time frame for them is 3 to 5 months max. And these guys, should my book get picked up, want to release NEXT YEAR. Which, honestly, I don't like given that it's digital.

So....while I got  an offer, it doesn't mean I've accepted it. But we'll see. I asked them if there was any way they would be willing to have my book published this year. If they agree...well. Then we can celebrate. Until then, this doesn't really feel real. But I'm trying to remember that even getting a full blown contract offer ONLY A WEEK after submitting it is pretty freaking awesome! So good job little sci-fi! Some one loved you!

And recently (aka, tonight) a wonderful girl who I can only say is my Southern Twin that I met online via a writing website, offered me a place in being on an author interview Vlog for a super popular site where I would sit with other writers and we would discuss a topic about writing or books. I can't even tell you how excited I am about this. I can't even.

Which leads me to why I started off telling you about my my Blog Title. For me, life really is just me on a little skiff in the middle of the ocean of dreams hoping to god the Nightmare Sharks don't smell the chocolate bars I have on board. The more I think about my life the more I realize just how much this title really applies to it. I'm sailing on a dream. I'm clapping my ruby red slippers and hoping I have enough talent to make this little skiff made of writing work.

But you know what? I think it's working?

I may be sailing on a dream, but who said dreams don't come true, huh?