Hi, my name is Keely, and I'm a masochist.
*insert standard drone/slightly bored/slightly aggitated 'hiiiiiii keely' *
While some people simply do the normal thing like stalk their exes just to see them smile one more time, or listen to Brittany Spears to remember their Jr high years despite the fact that they realize she's bad, I do a much more dorkier yet equally painful thing.
I start watching vlogs about life in Japan.
The sane part of my brain says "Keely you KNOW you can't go to Japan. Nor can you go to a high school and be a high school student there. Or be an English teacher. This is not healthy. You need to look away from the screen and stop looking at how much plane tickets cost."
But the funner, more irrational side urges me on. It doesn't help that I've been having conversations with my Japanese friends of late, writing and speaking in Japanese. Its not a good thing at all. But I keep doing it. I've been consumed with a need to be in Japan since I was 14 years old. But as we didn't have an exchange program in our school, nor did I have the grades to do it anyway, I never got to be a student in the hallow halls of Japan. Not a big deal really. Not going to Japan AT ALL is what is killing me. So somehow, some way, I will get there.
In the mean time, I will watch THIS girl to tide me over. She's cute, quirky, and surprisingly funny despite her obvious love affair with the word 'like'. She's got pretty good inadvertent comedic timing as well, which is always a good sign in a person. And we can't forget THIS girl either. Her's is a more college experience...and one that is actually probably a lot more informative whereas the other girl is just fun to watch. Oh how I wish I were in Japan!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Who Needs Freud When You Have 'Why'?
As children we have a driving need to ask 'why'. We ask because we have no idea how things work. Science,technology, magic, you name it, we want to know what it is. Why do we breath? Why do we feel pain? Why is the grass green? Why do birds sing? Why do flowers have different colors? And this questioning of Why leads us to How. How does a cloud get made? How does the sun shine? How does a flower grow? But always, even when we become older, we return to why. We understand how clouds are made, what drives the ocean tides (that would be the pull of the moon, for those of you who didn't know!), how cells duplicate, and we even know where babies come from! But WHY?
You hear this word from the broken voice of your friend after their significant other has left them, from the scientist trying to figure out a complex equation, and from the many voices of those around the world who lose their loved ones. Why? It's three letters, but it can cause the most discomfort. As children we don't know that this word will become something we shy away from. We avoid it like the plague because that little word digs deep--and makes you dig deep even when you don't want to. So we lock the word up and don't question things because as adults, deep down, we know the answers and are afraid to hear the reply to our 'why'.
I admit freely to doing this. In fact, I didn't realize I had been shying away from the deeper meaning of my 'why' questions until faced with--and reminded of---it today. For a while, even before the undoing of my perceptions of myself, I had felt lost. I had lost a connection with Spirit, with the things around me. I couldn't hear the voice of my intuition, or feel the beating of the earth when I went barefoot on the ground. I had lost the voice of my guides, and my excitement for my religion. And then that little word popped up. Why? I shied away from it. I didn't want to know why. I was frustrated, sad, lonely, and because I couldn't hear spirit, I gave up trying to understand why. 'I'll get to it later', I told myself. 'Later' is an evil four letter word that should be up there with other unmentionables. I'm sure you know the words of which I speak.
But today while looking through a book I flipped to a page. And as my guides often do, they led me strait to what I needed to do. 'Ask yourself Why', the book stated. 'Only then can you find your problem, release it, and heal'. If only I could hear such words so clearly given to me in my head! Honestly, I think my guides just have a sense of humor. The words jumped out from the page almost as quickly as the title of the chapter, and I knew as I read the big bold text that I needed to heed the words in the book--they were things that I had been avoiding.
After reading the chapter it reminded me of several things--not least of which was the fact that I had forgotten that often times my guides spoke to me through literal written word. And because of the whole ten pages that I read, I realized with sudden clarity that my guides had been giving me advice and speaking to me consistently for more than a month now. I just hadn't realized it because I was avoiding the question Why. It doesn't have to be a scary word, but often times it is. This is because the deeper reason is often something we don't want to face.
By asking Why we open ourselves up to truths we might not want to face. But we have to. The only way to really be at peace with ourselves is to realize that asking Why isn't bad--it helps become more aware. While the book I read mostly contains things that don't really offer me much that I already know, reading that one chapter armed me with ideas I had forgotten, and irony of ironies, it said 'your guides will often try to reach you through the written word'. My guides really DO have a penchant for being blunt don't they? Cheeky buggers! Here I was wondering why I couldn't hear them when they had been time and again trying to reach me. Teach me. Remind me. So I being my quest now. Its internal and therefore is free--but its not much of a vacation.
I realize it won't be easy. I still get uncomfortable when I start to ask myself that three letter word. However I can see the light through the murky questions, and all I need to do is ask Why to get nearer to a better and shinier new me. Hopefully a me I can stand tall and be proud of. And be wiser for the wear.
You hear this word from the broken voice of your friend after their significant other has left them, from the scientist trying to figure out a complex equation, and from the many voices of those around the world who lose their loved ones. Why? It's three letters, but it can cause the most discomfort. As children we don't know that this word will become something we shy away from. We avoid it like the plague because that little word digs deep--and makes you dig deep even when you don't want to. So we lock the word up and don't question things because as adults, deep down, we know the answers and are afraid to hear the reply to our 'why'.
I admit freely to doing this. In fact, I didn't realize I had been shying away from the deeper meaning of my 'why' questions until faced with--and reminded of---it today. For a while, even before the undoing of my perceptions of myself, I had felt lost. I had lost a connection with Spirit, with the things around me. I couldn't hear the voice of my intuition, or feel the beating of the earth when I went barefoot on the ground. I had lost the voice of my guides, and my excitement for my religion. And then that little word popped up. Why? I shied away from it. I didn't want to know why. I was frustrated, sad, lonely, and because I couldn't hear spirit, I gave up trying to understand why. 'I'll get to it later', I told myself. 'Later' is an evil four letter word that should be up there with other unmentionables. I'm sure you know the words of which I speak.
But today while looking through a book I flipped to a page. And as my guides often do, they led me strait to what I needed to do. 'Ask yourself Why', the book stated. 'Only then can you find your problem, release it, and heal'. If only I could hear such words so clearly given to me in my head! Honestly, I think my guides just have a sense of humor. The words jumped out from the page almost as quickly as the title of the chapter, and I knew as I read the big bold text that I needed to heed the words in the book--they were things that I had been avoiding.
After reading the chapter it reminded me of several things--not least of which was the fact that I had forgotten that often times my guides spoke to me through literal written word. And because of the whole ten pages that I read, I realized with sudden clarity that my guides had been giving me advice and speaking to me consistently for more than a month now. I just hadn't realized it because I was avoiding the question Why. It doesn't have to be a scary word, but often times it is. This is because the deeper reason is often something we don't want to face.
By asking Why we open ourselves up to truths we might not want to face. But we have to. The only way to really be at peace with ourselves is to realize that asking Why isn't bad--it helps become more aware. While the book I read mostly contains things that don't really offer me much that I already know, reading that one chapter armed me with ideas I had forgotten, and irony of ironies, it said 'your guides will often try to reach you through the written word'. My guides really DO have a penchant for being blunt don't they? Cheeky buggers! Here I was wondering why I couldn't hear them when they had been time and again trying to reach me. Teach me. Remind me. So I being my quest now. Its internal and therefore is free--but its not much of a vacation.
I realize it won't be easy. I still get uncomfortable when I start to ask myself that three letter word. However I can see the light through the murky questions, and all I need to do is ask Why to get nearer to a better and shinier new me. Hopefully a me I can stand tall and be proud of. And be wiser for the wear.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Here We Go in Circles Again
I have noticed a trend lately. Well, not lately. I think I can honestly say that whenever I move locations I always seem to hit absolute (that's Vodka proof, by the way) bottom. Or perhaps I hit almost bottom. But either way, I can't seem to escape the cycle of always having the rug pulled out from under my feet. Its been said that we make the same mistakes over and over until we correct our behavior. I've thought about this. I know I tend over estimate myself and my situations sometimes. I know I don't always save as much money as I should, or save as wisely as I had thought. But by the same stroke, when I DO try life seems to say 'no' and put me right back where I was, despite my attempts to change.
Because of this I have come to this conclusion about myself. Perhaps for me grow, I need to feel the pain. Not because the gods above hate me, but because without going through those hard and desperate times, I would never keep trying. I would sit in my little apartment not knowing what I want because I had never been desperate enough to put into perspective what I really need in my life. And anyway, after the tumultuous few months of living on a high wire, I find myself on an even keel again, and often times, far better off than I originally had been.
Without darkness there is no light, without pain there is no love, and without an umbrella there is no pina colada. Darkness is only perceived as darkness because we have light. I could look at the darkness and say 'my life is crap' and give up because I can't find a job and I feel that I will never get my signing certification. Or I can smack myself, drink the pina colada, and do what I have always done; keep trying.
There is no point in looking at the past and worrying about making a mistake again. I will look forward--its the only place to really look--and march on with my future, wherever it may lead me. But one thing I DO know I will be doing that I haven't done in the past. I will do what I love. And not just enjoy, but LOVE. Do things I am passionate about. I'm done living a life of waiting and inaction. Stone by stone I will build my path, enjoy all that life has to offer, and stop worrying about what was. I leave you all with a quote, I hope it helps you as much as it helps me.
Quest Physics: If you're brave enough to leave behind everything that is familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter old resentments, and set out on a truth seeking journey either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth with not be withheld from you.
Because of this I have come to this conclusion about myself. Perhaps for me grow, I need to feel the pain. Not because the gods above hate me, but because without going through those hard and desperate times, I would never keep trying. I would sit in my little apartment not knowing what I want because I had never been desperate enough to put into perspective what I really need in my life. And anyway, after the tumultuous few months of living on a high wire, I find myself on an even keel again, and often times, far better off than I originally had been.
Without darkness there is no light, without pain there is no love, and without an umbrella there is no pina colada. Darkness is only perceived as darkness because we have light. I could look at the darkness and say 'my life is crap' and give up because I can't find a job and I feel that I will never get my signing certification. Or I can smack myself, drink the pina colada, and do what I have always done; keep trying.
There is no point in looking at the past and worrying about making a mistake again. I will look forward--its the only place to really look--and march on with my future, wherever it may lead me. But one thing I DO know I will be doing that I haven't done in the past. I will do what I love. And not just enjoy, but LOVE. Do things I am passionate about. I'm done living a life of waiting and inaction. Stone by stone I will build my path, enjoy all that life has to offer, and stop worrying about what was. I leave you all with a quote, I hope it helps you as much as it helps me.
Quest Physics: If you're brave enough to leave behind everything that is familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter old resentments, and set out on a truth seeking journey either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth with not be withheld from you.
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