I have noticed a trend lately. Well, not lately. I think I can honestly say that whenever I move locations I always seem to hit absolute (that's Vodka proof, by the way) bottom. Or perhaps I hit almost bottom. But either way, I can't seem to escape the cycle of always having the rug pulled out from under my feet. Its been said that we make the same mistakes over and over until we correct our behavior. I've thought about this. I know I tend over estimate myself and my situations sometimes. I know I don't always save as much money as I should, or save as wisely as I had thought. But by the same stroke, when I DO try life seems to say 'no' and put me right back where I was, despite my attempts to change.
Because of this I have come to this conclusion about myself. Perhaps for me grow, I need to feel the pain. Not because the gods above hate me, but because without going through those hard and desperate times, I would never keep trying. I would sit in my little apartment not knowing what I want because I had never been desperate enough to put into perspective what I really need in my life. And anyway, after the tumultuous few months of living on a high wire, I find myself on an even keel again, and often times, far better off than I originally had been.
Without darkness there is no light, without pain there is no love, and without an umbrella there is no pina colada. Darkness is only perceived as darkness because we have light. I could look at the darkness and say 'my life is crap' and give up because I can't find a job and I feel that I will never get my signing certification. Or I can smack myself, drink the pina colada, and do what I have always done; keep trying.
There is no point in looking at the past and worrying about making a mistake again. I will look forward--its the only place to really look--and march on with my future, wherever it may lead me. But one thing I DO know I will be doing that I haven't done in the past. I will do what I love. And not just enjoy, but LOVE. Do things I am passionate about. I'm done living a life of waiting and inaction. Stone by stone I will build my path, enjoy all that life has to offer, and stop worrying about what was. I leave you all with a quote, I hope it helps you as much as it helps me.
Quest Physics: If you're brave enough to leave behind everything that is familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter old resentments, and set out on a truth seeking journey either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth with not be withheld from you.
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