Every so often I have a mild freak out. Its an inner thing, so the most people see as I have them is a strange look on my face followed by a 'huh' before I wander away pondering this new found information that freaks me out. At the moment, my freak out is about that oh so wonderful thing called life. Now don't worry, I'm not going to suddenly move to Japan (although, that doesn't SOUND like a bad idea to me....). I've just started to come onto something since reading a blog that I absolutely adore....mainly because she uncomfortably reminds me of myself and where I am at this point in my life.
I am twenty five, and in 8 months I will be 26. I'm beginning to look back and reflect on things that I don't always feel comfortable confronting or thinking about. Fears of my future, fears about myself, and fears of having to deal with the uncomfortable truth that I might actually be a good person. Its hard to believe good things when your constantly shoveled bad things into your head by people you had trusted, and its even harder to believe the good things (at least for me) because the bad things had to come from some form of truth. But I digress. Soul searching is a long process, and often times painful, and its something that I normally hash out with friends. But this time I've had to do it on my own...it feels right to do this on my own. I'm not out of the tangled, strange, slightly surreal forest that is me, but I feel that my chainsaw will soon meet with a clear forest.
At the moment the only things I can feel secure in is that apparently what I'm going though and how I'm feeling are quite normal--or at least felt by one other person. And the other is that while I look back on my early twenties, I don't regret things that happened to me as she did. I haven't gone the direct route of a four year college, or living in dorms, or studying abroad. It took me four years to get to school again, and while others were having children or getting married (or getting doped up) I was busy living and experiencing. Not all of the experiences were fun or pleasant, but they were the kind that helped me realize things about myself whether good or bad. It broadened my perception of people, of life, and of how to handle things. If I hadn't been on my own I wouldn't have been able to find out what I was made of, what I was capable of.
I was worried you see, that at 25 I hadn't changed. But really, I have. Its all in little ways of course, and I wouldn't have noticed the changes had I not gone back and read old entries in live journals of mine, or old dairies from years ago during my foray as a lone girl trying to make it in the expensive and over priced world of O.C. It wasn't easy. But sometimes it was fun. Now, as I realize there is no going back to who I was, it also occurs to me that I am moving forward with all the force of a jet engine. My life seems to have taken control of me; and I suppose for the better. But I'm left wondering; do I DESERVE it? Am I good enough? Have I learned enough to leave my state of California, my friends, my social life? Have I learned enough to make it on my own? Do I have enough experience to hold an actual job? Am I the person I need to be?
Its a confusing mix of answers that respond back to these questions as they circle my head like vultures. The one half of me says 'go young padiwan, you are ready'. The other says 'look at you, you screwed up last time, what makes you think you won't again?' That particular voice worries me because I do worry I'll screw it up again. Not watch my spending, or worse than that, letting people walk all over me once more. I can make friends, I can cook food, and I can fend for myself if I have to. But I DO worry about being lonely, about not finding REALLY good friends who get me and understand me. The friends I have here I've cultivated relationships with between 3 and 10 years. How on earth do I find friends like that? I know I sound silly, because realistically, I manage to draw people to me who are good for me now a-days. But it still lurks there in the back of mind.
I know as a person I will change and evolve, that right now especially its needed. When I was younger I thought 25....something BIG is going to happen. I had expected it to be like the universe starting. You know...LOUD. But it wasn't, as I am finding out. I was disappointed for a while until I started re-evaluating my life and realizing that I had several large things happen to me, which at the time didn't seem so. They're the sort of things that have an impact that has altered my path in the long run, that will carry with it the tone of my new life. In fact, I'm going through another slight shift in the world of Keely. Its time for my life to start whether I'm ready or not, I'm just hoping I'll be ready when it comes time to jump out of that airplane.
Tea please!
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