As children growing up we're told by our parents, friends, and possibly even our embittered coworkers that 'life never turns out how you want it'. This is quite true--even if we don't always want to admit it. For instance, you can plan in every minute detail the things you will see, do, and eat on a free all expense paid trip to the Bahamas. You have suntan oil and a bikini ready along with your very convincing version of a twisted ankle to capture the attention of what will probably be a very hot lifeguard who will be rescuing you (on a Tuesday at exactly 1:15 p.m., after your massage). Everything is ready, you bored the plane and land in.....Nome Alaska. This of course, is due to the freak hurricane that hit the Bahamas--and something that you didn't fit into the itinerary.
Life is full of surprises like that. Things that you thought would be one way are completely different. It can work in both directions too. Things you were looking forward to are not what you wanted, and sometimes things you think are going to be awful end up being far better than even YOUR active imagination can produce. For me, my move to Seattle was supposed to be a wonderful, beautiful, enlightening, and enriching lifestyle change. Instead, I got a house that smelled of smoke and dog urine along with two broken windows, spiders in every nook and cranny, and even a cracked (but apparently still slightly operational) stove from the 1970's. I hadn't expected the screaming words 'No. You do NOT belong here, you need to leave.' that came from deep within my soul as I rounded the corner and saw the Seattle skyline, either.
There were a lot of things I didn't expect. I didn't expect to be incapacitated by the realization that I didn't have a friend in the world in Seattle--and that having such friends and support was vital to my very existence. I didn't expect to be curled up in a ball for four days in an unfinished room crying and too devastated to eat anything more than a bowl of cereal during the entire time. I didn't expect to have panic attacks, to have the drive to make friends and explore the new exciting city taken from me, or the unshakable knowledge that I had made a mistake constantly singing in my head. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I was supposed to be happy, elated, and doing a terrible rendition of Gene Kelly's 'Singing in the Rain' dance in downtown Seattle. Instead I was miserable, sick, terrified, and angry with myself for feeling this way.
Life is NOT how we planned it. But you can look at it two ways. Accept the circumstances and DO something about it, or not. I chose to come home. To some perhaps going home looks like failure, back to regressing so to speak. This is not how I see it. I am coming home not in defeat, but with a new lease on life. A new perspective and a deeper understanding of my real values. As a dear friend pointed out to me, 'It's only a failure if you didn't learn anything'. And learn I did. I learned that having friends and family near me are far more important than trying to prove that I'm a Grown Up, that I rely on people far more than I had thought, and that--surprsingly enough--I really do love California.
Being up there opened my eyes in a lot of ways that I'm not sure I can correctly put on paper (or computer, as the case may be!), but it has changed me in ways that only a big shock CAN change you. Going through those terrible emotions, the lonely, slow moving days, was awful. It wasn't what I had planned--nor was coming home. But life throws us curve balls all the time, and from these experiences I've discovered my limitations and what I really do put first in life. That alone was worth the 400 dollars I won't be getting back. It was an expensive lesson, but one that needed to be learned.
Over the past few days since I have been home friends have called me right and left, telling me in almost the exact same words: "I'm glad you went....I'm happier you came back". And knowing that my friends love me, respect me, and still support me makes all the pain much more bearable, and makes me realize all over again just how lucky I am to have people in my life that love me. It may not be what I had expected, but I know its something I had to go through, and in the end whether I realize it or not, the gods above have put me where I need to be--not where I was expecting to be. And that hurricane that landed you in Nome Alaska may have ruined your dreams of meeting a super hot lifeguard, but that cute hunk in plaid with a wolf at his side and a knowing smile on his face just might make up for it. Looks like you get practice your twisted ankle after all!
I'm sure you're all wondering if I'm still going to blog. That's like asking an alcoholic if they want another drink. I'm a compulsive blogger, er, or writer. So expect blogging to happen, and with a lot more frequency! It may not be the most exciting life in the world, but its mine, and someday it WILL be. As a famous Greek philosopher said "Give me a place to stand and I will move the world." And that is exactly what I intend to do with this new change.
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