Life Goals and Being Green

     For the first 8 years of my life I spent many of it in a place called Modjeska Canyon. I wrote a post about Modjeska with pictures a while ago, you can probably still find it! Modjeska is a magical place. Its also the place that set me up for my love of nature and art and 'different'. Everyone there was an artist of some type even if it wasn't their main job it was what they did on weekends. You could find people making pottery, gardening, quilting, painting, making music...all of these sounds and sights and smells were mixed with the scent of dust and trees and animals.

       My parents were no exceptions. Both played guitar, both were artsy by nature despite 'normal' jobs, and both loved gardening. LOVED it. I remember as a tiny kid watching my dad plant plum, peach, and apricot trees along our fence. When my parents had first moved into the tiny house they planted a grape vine, only to realize too late that it was a wine grape, and the green grapes were small and sour. They were (and still are, because the vine is still there!) my favorite grapes in the world.

      Whenever we moved my mom had plants. My dad bought 28 acres of land. My love of food and growing things myself comes from them and watching them. While some people want to run away from the cities and suburbs and buy huge amounts of land and homestead I'm about balance.

      Would I love to drop everything if I won 2 million dollars and run away to the mountains to grow my own veggies and chickens and build a quaint Victorian looking cottage complete with a stone fireplace and a horse? Sure! As long as I can keep the internet and TV and be 15 minutes from town. 10 would be better. I love gardening and being 'green'. But I also love ice cream and movie theaters and PEOPLE. I'm about balance. Balance is good!

      Now that my book is getting closer and closer to being published (2017 is going to be an interesting ride you guys!) I have little hopes and dreams popping up. Mainly dreams of buying a cute house with 1 to 2 acres of land so I can garden and own Irish Wolf Hounds and a pony. And wildflowers. That's always been a dream of mine since I was 13, but now it seems that if things go well, I can make it a reality!

Isn't it cute!? It just needs wild flowers and it'll be perfect!

     I'm not big on huge houses. I'm big on houses that fit your lifestyle. When I'm not being an author I'm nannying other peoples kids and usually that's for the rich. I can't tell you how wasteful those large homes are. 10 bedrooms, 12 bathrooms, 3 living rooms, a kitchen the size of a normal house....and 2 kids. Maybe 1. That's it. The houses are huge and filled with expensive furniture and no one uses any rooms except the kitchen and the family room. I'm not about that.

       I just want a normal sized house with lots of land to grow food and flowers and next to a strip of trees so the kids I'll someday adopt can run around and build treehouses in them. And of course I need chickens. Who doesn't!? But regardless of the amount of money I make off of my books I just want nature. I miss being able to build raised beds and harvest my own food and grow pumpkins for Halloween (i've done it!). I want to be more earth conscious which is why I'm now learning to can my own food! I want a garden again.

    So I'm going to do it. The money I make from my books will go to not only travel (because lets face it the only thing I want more than a garden with chickens is to travel the world and collect friends and story ideas and eat food. So much food.) but to saving up for a nice little house I can fix up and some land I can grow things on.

     Life goals are different for everyone. Mine are simple. Get books published so I can help teens and adults escape the world for a while and learn something about themselves, travel the world to see and feel and eat, buy a small house with a bit of land, and adopt kids. That's all I want.

     Fame is something that's secondary for me. I don't NEED fame of massive proportions. If I get it, it's a bonus and I'll take it. But my life goals are to just enjoy life and help people. That's really what it comes down to. Well, and chocolate. Chocolate is a big thing too.

     I don't know what my life will look like 5 years. Hell, I don't know what my life will look like in THREE years. But I hope it includes me traveling the world and making friends and putting down roots in a home where I can my own food and grow my own things and have artsy neighbors. Really, I hope it means that I move back to Modjeska. Or at least somewhere very green with nice people.

    In the mean time, enjoy this picture of linen. Because it's calming right? RIGHT!? We won't think about how it'll probably be stiff when it's done. Oops.

       

Sailing On a Dream

When I made this title for my blog I remember liking it because it sounded neat. It sounded like a song. It sounded like something I'd say. In the back of my mind something deeper niggled and tried to make push deeper--but I was too busy learning Japanese. Sorry philosophical voice in my head. But first, news (because I know you all care soooo much by all the comments you leave me here!):

The beginning of this year (ie January 1st) is really living up to it's potential. Or rather, all the little seeds I've tended to last year are starting to sprout. It's hard to see they're sprouting. And sometimes something sprouts up from a seed I didn't even know I'd planted! I had committed this year to being the year I just went and did it. It. Anything. SOMETHING. It's the year I do stuff. And so far...my god.

If you'd told me last year that me making friends with other writers or using twitter or that I'd finish my freaking sci-fi novel would pan out into this year I'd say you'd eaten too many goldfish crackers.

But here I am.

Here I am only a month and half into 2016 and amazing, incredible things are happening. Last year felt like it was moving to slow and too fast. I got stalled a lot creatively. But my actual job went by way too fast. I won a lot of little small victories that I didn't properly celebrate because to me it wasn't the big end goal of GETTING PUBLISHED. But looking back (as you're wont to do) I see now a lot of those little victories are why I'm where I'm at now. And I appreciate them.

I've won 1st place in a story writing competition, and Honorable Mention in another prestigious competition with a crap ton of entries from all over the world. And, just last week, I got my first offer for my sci-fi book.

ARE YOU FREAKING OUT JUST LIKE ME, MY LITTLE BLOG AND BOT FOLLOWERS!??!

But try not to freak out too much! The offer is great except for the time frame. They want to publish my book a year from now. Which I would be okay with (well, no really) if it were a traditional publishing house. It takes a year to a year and half for them to publish it and put it in book stores. But this is a Digital Publishing House. The average time frame for them is 3 to 5 months max. And these guys, should my book get picked up, want to release NEXT YEAR. Which, honestly, I don't like given that it's digital.

So....while I got  an offer, it doesn't mean I've accepted it. But we'll see. I asked them if there was any way they would be willing to have my book published this year. If they agree...well. Then we can celebrate. Until then, this doesn't really feel real. But I'm trying to remember that even getting a full blown contract offer ONLY A WEEK after submitting it is pretty freaking awesome! So good job little sci-fi! Some one loved you!

And recently (aka, tonight) a wonderful girl who I can only say is my Southern Twin that I met online via a writing website, offered me a place in being on an author interview Vlog for a super popular site where I would sit with other writers and we would discuss a topic about writing or books. I can't even tell you how excited I am about this. I can't even.

Which leads me to why I started off telling you about my my Blog Title. For me, life really is just me on a little skiff in the middle of the ocean of dreams hoping to god the Nightmare Sharks don't smell the chocolate bars I have on board. The more I think about my life the more I realize just how much this title really applies to it. I'm sailing on a dream. I'm clapping my ruby red slippers and hoping I have enough talent to make this little skiff made of writing work.

But you know what? I think it's working?

I may be sailing on a dream, but who said dreams don't come true, huh?

A Road of Pebbles and Rocks

There are only two...no, three reasons you update a blog.

1) you're angry/sad/depressed/disillusioned

2) you're happy/elated/overjoyed/bragging/sharing good news/sharing pictures of happy things

3) you're drunk (for either reasons 1 or 2)

4) You're a professional blogger and you HAVE to update regularly.

Okay. So there's four. Math isn't my strong suite. There are third graders who could out math me. Probably even second graders. But this isn't about math! This is about blogging!

Tonight I come to you starving, half dead blog, for a little bit of both reasons 1 and 2. And if you count Nyquil as a type of alcohol, then there are three reasons!

Life is hard. Life is like a road full of little pebbles and rocks and rocky mudslides. Most of the pebbles are things like traffic when you're already running late, or turning in a paper late. Rocks are things like your significant other breaking up with you, or losing your job. And rockslides are usually reserved for deaths or becomings mega famous. you know, extreme and you're caught in the slide, hoping to god you make it out relatively intact and not too screwed up in the head.

Life for me this year has been filled with lots of little pebbles that sometimes feel like rocks for me. Maybe it's cause I'm short and have small feet or something. But either way, this year my feet are already bruised pretty good. In the grand scheme of things, not finishing my book when I had hoped to is a pebble. But it feels like a freaking rock. I know...I know in two years I'm going to be looking back on this entry and laughing at myself and saying, "see, you were worried and bemoaning for nothing!". But right now it doesn't feel like nothing.

I've had good things happen. I've had friends show up to support me who I wouldn't have expected to. I've finally realized how to fix the ending to my book and what was wrong with the last few chapters. I've gotten a good job I love. I've also had changes and shifts on the friend and family front. Things that are pebbles but they're all grouped together and so I step on all of them in rapid succession. Some good, some not so good. Some neutral. But either way, I'm still stepping on pebbles.

When will the road be free of them? Probably never. But I'm hoping the pebbles will stop being so often. I don't like it. Call it the Virgo in me, but I actually *do* appreciate stability. At least stability in a home life. I have one that's rapidly drawing to a close. A rock rather than a pebble. So, I leave for myself, a list of good and bad pebbles, and rocks I can see ahead of me. Rocks that I should approach and not be afraid of, since obviously everything is about how you look at it.

The Good Pebbles:

My writing blog is doing pretty good!

I'm writing and being close to being done!

I have good friends who surprised me by turning out to being good friends.

I found out my cat has excellent taste and likes brie cheese. Huh.

The Bad Pebbles:

My story taking too long to write

Being afraid no one will like my work

Not making as much money as I thought I would (but hey, I'm still happy with my job!)

Upcoming Rocks: 

Moving out

Moving out to a different state altogether

Having to promote my book and hoping to god it takes off. That's a big freaking rock, blog.

Turning 30 in two and a half months (holy $#$($%7)

So there you have it. All the things that have been in my road thus far. Give or take. Hopefully the next month will be filled with nice pebbles! And to those who read this blog at all--thank you. I don't know who you are (drunk OR sober), but I like you! Thanks for bothering to read this once in a while. Sorry I suck at updates.

I blame the government. Because clearly, my lack of follow through is *their* fault.

Changes

Oh hello there! You must be lost, right? Oh. You're not? You've been waiting for me to update for like...two months? Crap. Um. Well hey, here's an update for you!

Life is change. If you're not changing you're not living. New Years happened--and it was pretty exciting! I had an impromptu party where copious amounts of alcohol was drunk, food eaten, and a lot of deep discussions happened. I really don't think I've ever been to a New Years party with friends where we didn't in some way end up talking about world religion, writing, or the moors of society. I guess that's what I get for having smart, artistic friends. We can't do anything right apparently!! But it was fun!

I didn't make any Resolutions this year....at least not on the correct day. I've actually been thinking about it really hard. I wanted it to MEAN something, and not just be empty ones I'd give up half way. (Or two days in....or two minutes in. Any one who says they're giving up chocolate is setting themselves up to fail. Don't do that.) So this year, my few resolutions are this:

1.Make this the year of homemade soup (You heard me! I'm going to make lots of homemade soup!)

2. Eat healthier (not diet. Just make better food choices)

3. Not be afraid of success (I've realized this is a big problem of mine)

4. Speak kinder to myself/compliment myself more (because if I don't love me, who will?)

Those are my 4 resolutions. I don't like diets because they're CRAP. And also, I like food. No. I LOVE food. So I refuse to give it up! I just eat smaller portions now--I've already lost quite a bit of weight doing it, so there you go, proof! If you haven't noticed I didn't put up there "become a writer" or "get published". There's a very good reason for this. It's because that's already going to happen--it's not something I need to make a resolution on. It's an undeniable fact. This year is a year of changes, which brings me to my next paragraph!

This year is different. This year I can feel a monumental shift myself and how I think. It started back in early December but it's been growing rapidly. The feeling of Change. A big change is going to happen, my old life is going to die and be replaced with a new, bigger, better one. I feel it coming and it freaks me out a little with the intensity. But I know it's here. All the stars and planets are aligning in my favor I guess! I made a couple of life changing decisions and the second I firmed them in my mind as "I will do this" the universe just snapped things into place for me. Clearly I've made the right decision. But writing. Writing is a thing. It's one of the big changes. There's no going back, no stopping, no worrying if it's the right thing to do in life. It is.

So I will not put it as a new years resolution, because that time for getting things published, for making a living off my books--that time is NOW. Not in half a year, not in four months. NOW.

Another big change that I'll be making (other than fully writing as a career and no longer needing to rely on an outside job for money) is that I'll be moving to Japan. It might take slightly longer than I wanted (which was the end of this year) but I should be going by early spring next year. If that isn't exciting I don't know what is! I'll be starting school this month, going into Japanese II and taking psychology classes (for writing! Because understanding human conditions are important!). It's a new year and new me!

Life is about to get very interesting around here, so expect more updates (Because also, as a thing, I DO want to be better about writing in my blogs this year!)

Lemons

When life hands you lemons you don't make lemonade--you throw them right back and say "no thank you, I already have enough!" 

If you're lucky, life will freak out and quickly retreat, taking its lemons and stop hounding you. If you're NOT lucky (aka, me), then life laughs at you and then throws more lemons before running away. It seems to me that recently every time I take one step forward, I get chucked at with lemons. This specific lemon is the in the shape of my beautiful baby car, Stella.

I know lots of people just see a car and go "pff, it's just a car. " But this America my friends. AMERICA. We live in our cars. We raise our families in our cars. Stella was the car that I saw driving my someday adopted kids in as we journeyed in the summer of an epic Across the Country adventure. It was where I've spent six years of my life in. It's traveled up and down California, Oregon, and Washington. I was going to take her so much further. She was the car I had when I took my little sister Audrey to her very first drive in movie. She took my little sisters to their first Ren Fair. So many wonderful memories were made in her, and I had intended to keep her forever. And now?

 Now it looks like forever looks more like next Monday.

I'm not happy. There's a sliiiiiim chance she can be saved--but it doesn't look good. And then not only will I be car-less, it means I have to find a new car. A car that doesn't suck. I don't want to give up on Stella. She's my baby. But what else can I do? Life threw a lemon at me I can't dodge, nor really make lemonade out of. Maybe life is just testing me before easing off and giving my car back. Cross your fingers for me, because I really want my baby back. We have adventures to take together!

Lament of a 20-Something

My birthday is in exactly 10 days. I feel safe putting it out on this since I know no one is really reading this! And why would you!? I'm a terrible blogger who only posts at my whim and not on any known schedule. You poor, poor, non-readers. I know how hard that must be. But we soldier on with martini glasses in one hand and a shot glass in the other in the hopes that I will write a post. Well you've all imbibed enough alcohol to please me, so here is your post!

  So yes, my birthday. It's my last year in my 20's. My last year to be able to look around wide eyed and say "I dunno what to do with my life, I'm still young!" and get away with things that would be considered 'young foolish mistakes'. Its such a shame then, that I hate making dumb foolish mistakes. I was that kid that watched other kids get hurt and say "And that's why I won't do it." Yup, I was a survivor at a young age. Watch how people do things that get them hurt/in trouble and don't do it. Or just get REALLY good at lying. I think the technical term for it is 'Acting'. But I digress. It's my last year to be 20 something and then I get to be a spinster at 30. Hey, I've read the Victorian books, I know my title!

Personally, I feel bad, because I feel like I should have this panicky feeling of being considered almost over the hill.  But I don't. I mean, sure, it's the 21st century and most girls are in their PRIME at 30 right? Riiiiiiggghhht.....but usually at 30 they magically meet a man and have a kid a year later, or land a terrific job in an exotic location. Or maybe that's just our hopeful thinking. But that's not me. I haven't been in a serious relationship (okay, ANY KIND of relationship) in the past three years. I feel like I'm not even anywhere near ready to be 30, let alone 29. But anyways, turning 29, realizing that I'm becoming older has me reflecting on my past quite a bit lately. Do I regret things? Do I wish I had done more? You're almost over the hill! My brain screams at me. THINK ABOUT IT. And I do.

Personally I regret nothing. Even the bad things that have happened in my life--bad things that were beyond my control as a child and bad things that happened to me through my own mistakes. I needed those experiences for a reason. Why? I don't know. But I'm sure the answer will become clear later on--it always does. I don't always LOVE the things that happened to me, but I don't regret them. Life shouldn't be lived that way. I do wish writing didn't take so long, I do wish that becoming a writer wasn't my goal in life--but it is. I can't be anything else. Its my soul. So I trudge on feeling like I'm going nowhere but knowing that somehow, my wagon and oxen are making slow gain through the mud.

Looking back, am I proud of the past 28 years? Well, I'm alive, not a drug addict, an alcoholic (I'm Irish, that's almost genetically impossible, but I did it!), or 100,000 dollars in school debt. So yes, I think I'm doing pretty damn good. I'm proud of several things I've done. I've always tried to live by the expression "Will I regret not doing this when I'm 80"? And act from there. I started saying that when I was 11. I heard it somewhere and it just....stuck. So I constantly look at my present with an air of  "this is your chance, this won't come again, gogogogoooo!" Within reason of course. I want to LIVE past 80, so some things are just a "NO".

But now to look to the future! What do I want to do in the next ten years, when I'm 39? I want to see myself looking back and shaking my head in disbelief in thinking that I would be a nothing writer. I want to see myself having impacted and inspiring children to want to read, and teens to not feel so alone--or even better, that they too can be writers! I want to be 39 and looking back at the past nine years where I traveled the world, where I woke up with a different view in my window every few months. In the next ten years I want to be creative in every way. I want to not only write--I want to work with artists to make comic books. I'm a NEEK. That's my word for a nerd and a geek. I am both.

I can't just be a 'writer' I want to be more than that. I want to write. I want to help other artists, I want to collobrate and make a mark on this world with more than just words. In ten years time I  want to be waking up in a hotel room in the summer time about to attend Comic Con because I'M A GUEST. There will be pocky and ramune bottles and pizza boxes everywhere while I and my kids and my sisters Audrey and Izzy wake up slightly hung over. Not the kids of course. They'll be the ones waking us up. But they'll be very smart children and they'll do it by offering us all tea. And I will be on a panel to help inspire fellow geeks. I will let them know you CAN make it, even if you're a later bloomer like me. You can do it. YOU CAN.

That's where I expect to be by the time I'm 39. And I'll get there. One birthday at a time. For now, I'll enjoy my last year being 29. I will not fear the aging process. It means i'm getting smarter, faster, stronger. Daft Punk knows all to well. SO BRING IT 29!!! BRING IT OOOOON!

Singing the Single Blues

      Being older as a single girl is weird. No one really tells you that, or maybe they're lying to you! But it's weird. In your late twenties your starting to really think about family--having one, running away from one, making one--even if you don't want to, or thought it wasn't something you'd think about. You do. And then you (I mean me, of course) start to freak out a tiny bit. But I digress. Loneliness was in the title of this post, and if you didn't catch that, you might want to skip this post--especially if you're looking for a fluffy feel good romance. THIS IS NOT THE PLACE FOR THAT! So grab a tequila shot or ten and join me in my loneliness, it'll make me feel less alone!

      I'm a young woman in her late 20's and I've run into the problem of being Single. Yes readers, that's with a capital S. I know there are lots of women my age who don't have boyfriends, or who have broken up recently and feel like there's no hope of finding the right guy. Or maybe you're busy getting your career started, or maybe you're just barely making ends meat and so you don't have time to think about dating or being in a relationship. Sadly, I'm still working on my career, but my career choice (being a writer) can actually be--and often is--a very lonely one. I don't do well with lonely. I think most the of the time I write just so I don't feel alone, or remember that I'm alone.

     But it's that time in life when your friends magically start getting married, have kids, own a house, get major career advances, and start serious relationships that are about to become marriage proposals. And there you are, wondering why the fairy godmother skipped you over. You're the Cinderella who didn't get the chores done in time and suddenly there's no more princes or fairy godmothers available! All of a sudden you're surrounded by people who are happy and settling (or jetting off) into new things. Things that require a significant other. So what do you do? Who do you turn to? Your friends might tell you to stop being so picky, or to just focus on your career and the right guy will come along. But what if you're me?

     You know what I do all day? I write. I sit with music playing in my ears and my fingers flying along a key board. When I'm not doing that I'm working with children. I don't work in any field that requires adult interaction. Let alone any flirty adult interactions. And the older I get the more I start to look up from my computer and think to myself  'I'm not normal. There has to be something wrong with me. Why can't I find a guy? Why can't I stop being so picky?'  I often think there has to be something wrong with me. Half the time I fall back onto my looks. I know, its shallow and vapid. But men are highly visual creatures. Perhaps I'm not alluring enough. Hmmm. Maybe if I wore a squid on my head I might be more appealing? I also live in Southern California, where men are mostly trained to fall for the girl with the most fashion sense and thinner bodies. I could prattle one about that--but I'm not going to because 'looks' is another topic completely.

     I also have this weird little quirk. I completely tie my 'desirability' with my 'work'. Do I make enough money? No. Do I live on my own or have a successful writing career right now? No. Ergo, I'm not attractive as a mate. At least not to the guys that I want to attract. I feel like a failure at life half the time, mostly due to lack of being where most of my other friends are. Busy graduating schools, busy launching their careers, busy being moms to awesome kids. And I'm.....not. I'm alone.  I have friends, but on the whole, at the end of the day, when I flip open my computer and pour myself a glass of wine I realize I'm completely alone. No one to give me a thought except myself.  And then I write. Because that's all I have.

    I wish I could get rid of singing the Single Blues. I wish I were in a place where men found girls like me attractive (honestly, I know lots of single girls say that about where they live. That guys don't like girls with looks like they have, but seriously, come to Southern California. It;s a whoooooole different ball game my friends!). But I don't. And I don't have the means to travel the world as I should be doing to run into a guy. Instead I'm stuck working with two ADHD boys, one of which who loves to defy me at every turn or polite inquiry. My chances of finding a guy where I live are very VERY slim. And my job choice makes it even worse.

    So how do I do it? How do I get a guy? I have no idea. I'm sure some of it is to finally succeed in writing--then I won't feel like such a failure at life. Its nice to say to a guy "Please come to my place, I can cook!" because you actually have money to pay for groceries on a regular basis. But I can't, and I'm SURE that makes me look absolutely useless to men. I wish I could say "I don't need a man to make my life complete!" but actually....I do. I need a partner! I need the jelly to my peanut butter, the salsa to my guacamole! But it seems to me, that fate is not in my cards.

     OH! And as a final note of self pity and curiosity, I have to ask a question! You know that expression "love will come when you least expect it"?  Am I the only person on this whole marble of a planet that says "I give up! I'm not looking anymore!" and THINK you mean it, but then find out that really, deep down, you don't. If you genuinely expect it, even when you try not to, how on earth are you ever supposed find some one? Does the universe say "She was just kidding, she's still hoping. So lets keep her single"? Because I'm beginning to feel like it's playing one big joke on me.


    I think I need another shot or ten! Bar keep, I need a tequila shot and a squid, STAT!

   
     

2012: The Year Of Me

In a recent poll conducted by CNN it was pointed out that while the vast majority of American people had a dismal outlook on the state of their own country and government, they had high hopes and positive views on their own personal lives and goals, which I found very interesting and even hopeful. The reason for this is that it means that while many a man and woman has had trials and tribulations of the variety that 'try men's souls', they still come out the other side being positive. After hearing of this poll and thinking about it I've decided that this year is The Year Of Me.

     People are focusing on themselves (and probably even their immediate family and friends), but unless your leaving your toddler on a counter-top near a set of steak knives unsupervised while you do yoga, taking time to really work on yourself is a very beneficial thing. Ever hear the phrase 'if mama ain't happy, ain't no one gonna be happy'? As red neck and simplistic as it sounds, its also very true. Happiness comes from inside and spreads outwards. When your stressed about your job, unhappy with your lot life, angry at your next door neighbor or frustrated over  the fact that you can't seem to get rid of your mother in law who constantly pops into your life to offer advice about how to raise your children, your stress passes onto your husband/wife/partner/children and they all suffer because you don't have the patience to help them. So really, in my mind, taking this year to really focus on yourself and take stock of your life is a good thing.

     For instance tonight I went ahead and deleted my profile from the numerous dating websites that I had been signed into. I hadn't had too much luck with the site, other than the occasional dating of LA men, and really, the other websites wanted money, and I just don't think a computer should be asking me to pay 19.99 a month for doing little in the way of finding a really good man/woman. And really, what have any of my previous relationships (if you can call them that) offered me? Nothing except heart ache. So this year I'm doing the things I'd avoided doing all of last year. One of them--while not on my resolution list--is to in effect, stop looking for love. If there's one thing I've learned its that love and relationships come either when

a)  its the absolutely worst time to meet some one--like say when you are running after a mail truck in pj's that are covered in care bear faces as a very dashing man steps out of an expensive looking car and happens to see said spectacle.

or

b) when you say to yourself "I'm busy with work and goals and don't have time for men" then find yourself suddenly head over heels for person. Why IS that any way!?

    My new years resolution isn't a very extensive list, but the articles in it are very important to my life and contribute to the Year Of Me. They are the following:

1) Find an exercise regime and stick to it.
2) Finish my book
3) Find a job/career that I am happy and fulfilled in
4) Travel

      That's it. But as I look at the list I realize that if I stick to my guns and I mean really stick to them, my life over the course of the year will certainly improve! I've also decided that I spend waaaaay too much time being annoyed/exasperated and perhaps I even am a little too opinionated. So I will endure to be more sympathetic (which isn't TOO hard of a stretch, I just need to learn to SHUT. MY. MOUTH.) and to simply laugh at the follies of my life rather than be angry at them. As to my career aspirations....honestly I'm still trying to figure that out. My life could go in so many directions at this point, and I'm not sure which direction to go. So for now I'm going to meditate on it while I desperately look for a job that can support me and pay bills.

      I don't expect to find any sort of romance this year, rather I think this year is more about making myself better and more into the person I want to be and establishing a career I can be proud and happy of. So, here's crossing my fingers and hoping for the best, because thinking of anything even remotely sad would probably end up with my lying on a floor cuddling a bottle of cherry vodka and trying to force myself to become five again.

     Here is to the new year! I hope The Year Of You works out and brings you many needed changes--even if you think you might not need or want them!

Unexpected Is Expected

That's it. I have finally snapped. Upon looking of pictures of me from two years ago and realizing that I was, you know, THINNER, I am going to keep the New Years resolution (that I had no intention of actually keeping) and exercise. That's right, I, lazy maybe-i'll-do-it-later-just-kidding keely will actually get up from the computer that consumes my soul (and several thousand braincells per second) and go walking--because running is LAME--and do those exercises that make you look really really psychotic as you do them but completely tone you. I've even heard fresh air is good for you. Who knew!?

I'm not fat (well....by normal standards. If your anything more than a size 3 in Southern California, you are TOO FAT), but I need to lose weight. I suppose I have no excuse but laziness, because I actually lose weight much faster/easier than most people. I was lucky enough to be born with a fairly fast metabolism which enables me to do this easily--which often brings about dark mutterings from my friends.

I suppose I'm feeling this way in part because I'm just tired of feeling ugly. And I'm tired of calling and thinking of myself as ugly. I'm just....done. Its bad for me, and I don't really know where it comes from completely, because no one has ever called me ugly or even 'average' looking (even strangers say I'm cute, or have striking features; meaning my eyes). But somehow, for as long as I can remember, I just assumed I was regardless of what people said. And I'm tired of thinking of myself that way. So I'm determined to wake up every morning (around an early 9:30) and drag my miserable body out the door to walk (quickly of course). And I will eat better. I did it last year and lost substantial weight in two weeks. I will do so again. If all goes well, I will reach my goal weight of 110 by the end of March or early April.

I like to think of this as something that I'm using to promote change in my life and in my need to accept changing myself...you know, the whole 'move forward' idea. I know changing is going to take time, but there's nothing wrong with helping it get a jump start right!? I also bought three different kinds of pills. Each one promises a more healthier, glowing, heart attack free, peppy me! And really, who could beat that!? It DOES make me feel like an addict though, staring at those bottles. Is this how those health freaks get roped in? With the promise of being prettier, healthier, and thinner with these magic little pills?

Normally I'm a funny blogger. Normally I would charm you all with my wit and intelligence, but since very little has happened in my life to be comment worthy, I cannot in all good conscious be funny about nothing. Making up a story however, is a completely different story. I could make up ANYTHING and it would probably sound much more exciting than MY life. For instance:

'On Monday Petunia woke up with scaly hands. confused she went down stairs and asked her mother if anything seemed odd about her. Her mother, drinking her standard 7:30 a.m. burbon--no ice--squinted at the half empty glass and said,

'I love your hair.'

By Thursday Petunia was drinking water the way her mother drank her alcohol. By Friday Petunia feared the worst. She went to confront her mother, who was drinking her 8:00 a.m. taquila.

'Mother, I have bad news.'

'There's ice in this."

'I think I'm turning into a fish.'

'That reminds me, we're having salmon for dinner.'


Now doesn't that sound like just a fascinating girl!? Wouldn't you want to read a blog about a girl who has realized she's turning into a fish? I know I wait with 'baited' breath.




Coffee Please!