Singing the Single Blues

      Being older as a single girl is weird. No one really tells you that, or maybe they're lying to you! But it's weird. In your late twenties your starting to really think about family--having one, running away from one, making one--even if you don't want to, or thought it wasn't something you'd think about. You do. And then you (I mean me, of course) start to freak out a tiny bit. But I digress. Loneliness was in the title of this post, and if you didn't catch that, you might want to skip this post--especially if you're looking for a fluffy feel good romance. THIS IS NOT THE PLACE FOR THAT! So grab a tequila shot or ten and join me in my loneliness, it'll make me feel less alone!

      I'm a young woman in her late 20's and I've run into the problem of being Single. Yes readers, that's with a capital S. I know there are lots of women my age who don't have boyfriends, or who have broken up recently and feel like there's no hope of finding the right guy. Or maybe you're busy getting your career started, or maybe you're just barely making ends meat and so you don't have time to think about dating or being in a relationship. Sadly, I'm still working on my career, but my career choice (being a writer) can actually be--and often is--a very lonely one. I don't do well with lonely. I think most the of the time I write just so I don't feel alone, or remember that I'm alone.

     But it's that time in life when your friends magically start getting married, have kids, own a house, get major career advances, and start serious relationships that are about to become marriage proposals. And there you are, wondering why the fairy godmother skipped you over. You're the Cinderella who didn't get the chores done in time and suddenly there's no more princes or fairy godmothers available! All of a sudden you're surrounded by people who are happy and settling (or jetting off) into new things. Things that require a significant other. So what do you do? Who do you turn to? Your friends might tell you to stop being so picky, or to just focus on your career and the right guy will come along. But what if you're me?

     You know what I do all day? I write. I sit with music playing in my ears and my fingers flying along a key board. When I'm not doing that I'm working with children. I don't work in any field that requires adult interaction. Let alone any flirty adult interactions. And the older I get the more I start to look up from my computer and think to myself  'I'm not normal. There has to be something wrong with me. Why can't I find a guy? Why can't I stop being so picky?'  I often think there has to be something wrong with me. Half the time I fall back onto my looks. I know, its shallow and vapid. But men are highly visual creatures. Perhaps I'm not alluring enough. Hmmm. Maybe if I wore a squid on my head I might be more appealing? I also live in Southern California, where men are mostly trained to fall for the girl with the most fashion sense and thinner bodies. I could prattle one about that--but I'm not going to because 'looks' is another topic completely.

     I also have this weird little quirk. I completely tie my 'desirability' with my 'work'. Do I make enough money? No. Do I live on my own or have a successful writing career right now? No. Ergo, I'm not attractive as a mate. At least not to the guys that I want to attract. I feel like a failure at life half the time, mostly due to lack of being where most of my other friends are. Busy graduating schools, busy launching their careers, busy being moms to awesome kids. And I'm.....not. I'm alone.  I have friends, but on the whole, at the end of the day, when I flip open my computer and pour myself a glass of wine I realize I'm completely alone. No one to give me a thought except myself.  And then I write. Because that's all I have.

    I wish I could get rid of singing the Single Blues. I wish I were in a place where men found girls like me attractive (honestly, I know lots of single girls say that about where they live. That guys don't like girls with looks like they have, but seriously, come to Southern California. It;s a whoooooole different ball game my friends!). But I don't. And I don't have the means to travel the world as I should be doing to run into a guy. Instead I'm stuck working with two ADHD boys, one of which who loves to defy me at every turn or polite inquiry. My chances of finding a guy where I live are very VERY slim. And my job choice makes it even worse.

    So how do I do it? How do I get a guy? I have no idea. I'm sure some of it is to finally succeed in writing--then I won't feel like such a failure at life. Its nice to say to a guy "Please come to my place, I can cook!" because you actually have money to pay for groceries on a regular basis. But I can't, and I'm SURE that makes me look absolutely useless to men. I wish I could say "I don't need a man to make my life complete!" but actually....I do. I need a partner! I need the jelly to my peanut butter, the salsa to my guacamole! But it seems to me, that fate is not in my cards.

     OH! And as a final note of self pity and curiosity, I have to ask a question! You know that expression "love will come when you least expect it"?  Am I the only person on this whole marble of a planet that says "I give up! I'm not looking anymore!" and THINK you mean it, but then find out that really, deep down, you don't. If you genuinely expect it, even when you try not to, how on earth are you ever supposed find some one? Does the universe say "She was just kidding, she's still hoping. So lets keep her single"? Because I'm beginning to feel like it's playing one big joke on me.


    I think I need another shot or ten! Bar keep, I need a tequila shot and a squid, STAT!

   
     

Are YOU a good date to yourself?

I came across an article today touting the importance of dating yourself. In other words, learning how to enjoy some quality 'me time'. As a girl who has been largely single for most of her life, I highly encourage people to do this. Whether for good or bad, I've had many long months where I will find most of my friends in a combination of school-boyfriends-engagements-kids that equal a 'dry spell' for me, since I had no significant other with which to fall back on to do things with. So often times I am pitted against a Saturday or Sunday with a whole city at my disposal and no one to share i with. Well. No one except ME.

     So, like the 21st century girl I was raised to be I dress pretty, don makeup, do my hair up, and hit the town (oh alright, the oh-so-convenient Irvine Spectrum)! Often times I go see a movie and then grab lunch before happily skipping off to the book store to consume vast amounts of stories. I have no problem eating by myself with nothing to distract me (Although I admit I sometimes bring a book because I love reading). I remember once--but not long ago--a woman working at the resturaunt I was eating at came up to me and asked me,

"Are you here by yourself?"

I replied that I was.

"Oh wow," she said with something suspiciously like awe, "I could never do that! That's so brave! Good for you!"

    Since when did enjoying your own company become tantamount to being brave? Is it really so socially unconventional to be a woman and ENJOY sitting by yourself and being amused by the conversations you hear around you (some might call it eaves dropping. I call it finding my next one liner.)? Why can men do it and no one questions them? I really do feel that sometimes if you're a woman and by yourself--i.e. not dating any one, or you have the implication that you're not dating any one--that you must be some one to be pitied. Why?

    If you actually LIKE yourself, being alone isn't even something you really question. I don't at least. I suppose at one time or another during my life I've had to amuse myself. I learned to  do things that I liked because as a child, I never really had any one my age to play with. So I played make pretend and climbed trees by myself. The only difference now is that I go to a movie, or take a walk, or travel to a different country by myself instead of playing with barbies. After reading the article I had to admit though, I really do enjoy 'dating' myself. I like my company, I constantly amuse myself with my thoughts--which probably scares the poor people around me who wonder why I'm giggling--and I find that I'm much more aware of things around me than I would be if I were with some one.

      At what seems like the very old age of 26, I have realized some truths about my life thus far. Whether I have a serious relationship with a man or not, I will always have myself. Perhaps for some people that's not very comforting, but maybe that's because they don't like their own company. However I can always count on myself to take me out to a nice restaurant, buy flowers and chocolates, or even spoil me with a massage at a spa! Having a boyfriend would be wonderful, but until that happens, more and more often I find that I LIKE the thought of doing things by myself--and for myself.

Dating Is For The Young

The internet is a great place for almost everything, and especially for dating. I mean, where else could you meet five guys, chat with them, and then pick one or two you like for a date? Some might argue you could do the same at a bar, but I would like to point out that very rarely are those men coherent enough to string together a cohesive sentence that describes something other than "me, you, my bed."  or "you're hot. Let's grind!" Also you are safe from the risk of getting felt up or drugged.

      Recently I went on a few dates with a very nice guy that I met thanks to the internet. Now honestly I can say that I think he's smart, goal oriented, and very cute. I'm not sure on his sense of humor yet. As of now both dates have felt decidedly....date-ish. You know, where you sort of interview each other but are trying really hard NOT to make it seem like its an interview? Yeah. I find that its a bit hard to gauge his sense of humor because honestly, he hasn't told a lot of jokes. Then again, we haven't really gotten to the point of feeling comfortable with each other, I think. It's very hard to gauge him, and usually I have an eye sharper than a hawk when it comes to the emotional feelings of others. I have NO idea what he thinks of me.

      I'm not sure if that's a good thing, or a bad thing.

    The first date we had I felt confident and pretty--which in my world is a rare feat indeed--and while I'm a known talker (I like to think of myself as a one man comedy show) I did try extra hard to ask lots of questions about him. So it was a bit off putting when his answers were...for lack of a better description, the complete opposite of how I tell answers (think the overly exaggerated expressions of silent films mixed with the the verbal and mental speed of the Gilmore Girls). He was interesting to listen to, but very rarely did a story flow into another story or another topic. Instead, it was a round of twenty (or fifty) questions.

    I had already told myself that this was going to be something light and casual, because the last couple times I had thought I had something I ruined it by being serious too fast (or in other words, being more prepared for a relationship than they were). So I was determined to take it slow this time, to just enjoy the moment and not take it for anything more than it was. I put my mouth in my foot so many times I'm surprised I didn't get hoof/mouth disease, and thus ensuring that I probably wouldn't get that second date. But the thought didn't bother me since I had taken this so lightly. But apparently my spunk and constant need to talk (out of nervousness, I assure you!) did not detour him, and he wanted a second date. So the same week I saw him again.

     Once more it was a round of twenty questions,a few awkward silences and me finally just apologizing for talking so much--which I would like to point out, he actually ENCOURAGED (what's wrong with him?!)--before we headed off to get lunch. I had assumed of course that at this point he would surely be sick of me, because after telling me at the end of our date "I would love for you to come to a potluck dinner with me and my friends" he didn't bother to call/text/e-mail me at all for three days (it was the same way for our second date as well). I assumed I had read too much into thinking he liked me (I realize at this point, I'm using a lot of 'assumes' here, but I'm a woman, and therefor entitled to it!) and had only said that to be polite before rapidly heading for the hills to join monks.

     Instead I ended up at his place the next week where we proceeded to make dinner (he's a vegetarian and while I enjoyed my meal of tofu and grain, I think I'd only last a couple days without actual meat in me) and watch a movie. During this movie watching I felt...awkward. Not sure of how much affection to give and realizing very rapidly that while I enjoyed his company I wasn't feeling that 'zing' or 'easiness' that all of my happily married/in-a-serious-relationship friends had and enjoyed. I felt like a 16 year old hiding out in the basement trying to remember the advice column of 16 Magazine. Needless to say I wasn't in any way, shape or form ready to do anything more than give him a hug.

       So after several days of trying to figure out if something was wrong with me, and taking a good hard look at the past few dates (and advice from family) I've come to the conclusion that while he IS a nice guy, dating him or feeling that 'spark' just isn't going to happen. And that's life. Trying to find the right time and way to say 'hey thanks, but no thanks' is the real kicker, and I still don't know how to do that. But after all of the ups and downs I will say now what I said when I was 16:

        Dating is for the young.