Lemons

When life hands you lemons you don't make lemonade--you throw them right back and say "no thank you, I already have enough!" 

If you're lucky, life will freak out and quickly retreat, taking its lemons and stop hounding you. If you're NOT lucky (aka, me), then life laughs at you and then throws more lemons before running away. It seems to me that recently every time I take one step forward, I get chucked at with lemons. This specific lemon is the in the shape of my beautiful baby car, Stella.

I know lots of people just see a car and go "pff, it's just a car. " But this America my friends. AMERICA. We live in our cars. We raise our families in our cars. Stella was the car that I saw driving my someday adopted kids in as we journeyed in the summer of an epic Across the Country adventure. It was where I've spent six years of my life in. It's traveled up and down California, Oregon, and Washington. I was going to take her so much further. She was the car I had when I took my little sister Audrey to her very first drive in movie. She took my little sisters to their first Ren Fair. So many wonderful memories were made in her, and I had intended to keep her forever. And now?

 Now it looks like forever looks more like next Monday.

I'm not happy. There's a sliiiiiim chance she can be saved--but it doesn't look good. And then not only will I be car-less, it means I have to find a new car. A car that doesn't suck. I don't want to give up on Stella. She's my baby. But what else can I do? Life threw a lemon at me I can't dodge, nor really make lemonade out of. Maybe life is just testing me before easing off and giving my car back. Cross your fingers for me, because I really want my baby back. We have adventures to take together!

Lament of a 20-Something

My birthday is in exactly 10 days. I feel safe putting it out on this since I know no one is really reading this! And why would you!? I'm a terrible blogger who only posts at my whim and not on any known schedule. You poor, poor, non-readers. I know how hard that must be. But we soldier on with martini glasses in one hand and a shot glass in the other in the hopes that I will write a post. Well you've all imbibed enough alcohol to please me, so here is your post!

  So yes, my birthday. It's my last year in my 20's. My last year to be able to look around wide eyed and say "I dunno what to do with my life, I'm still young!" and get away with things that would be considered 'young foolish mistakes'. Its such a shame then, that I hate making dumb foolish mistakes. I was that kid that watched other kids get hurt and say "And that's why I won't do it." Yup, I was a survivor at a young age. Watch how people do things that get them hurt/in trouble and don't do it. Or just get REALLY good at lying. I think the technical term for it is 'Acting'. But I digress. It's my last year to be 20 something and then I get to be a spinster at 30. Hey, I've read the Victorian books, I know my title!

Personally, I feel bad, because I feel like I should have this panicky feeling of being considered almost over the hill.  But I don't. I mean, sure, it's the 21st century and most girls are in their PRIME at 30 right? Riiiiiiggghhht.....but usually at 30 they magically meet a man and have a kid a year later, or land a terrific job in an exotic location. Or maybe that's just our hopeful thinking. But that's not me. I haven't been in a serious relationship (okay, ANY KIND of relationship) in the past three years. I feel like I'm not even anywhere near ready to be 30, let alone 29. But anyways, turning 29, realizing that I'm becoming older has me reflecting on my past quite a bit lately. Do I regret things? Do I wish I had done more? You're almost over the hill! My brain screams at me. THINK ABOUT IT. And I do.

Personally I regret nothing. Even the bad things that have happened in my life--bad things that were beyond my control as a child and bad things that happened to me through my own mistakes. I needed those experiences for a reason. Why? I don't know. But I'm sure the answer will become clear later on--it always does. I don't always LOVE the things that happened to me, but I don't regret them. Life shouldn't be lived that way. I do wish writing didn't take so long, I do wish that becoming a writer wasn't my goal in life--but it is. I can't be anything else. Its my soul. So I trudge on feeling like I'm going nowhere but knowing that somehow, my wagon and oxen are making slow gain through the mud.

Looking back, am I proud of the past 28 years? Well, I'm alive, not a drug addict, an alcoholic (I'm Irish, that's almost genetically impossible, but I did it!), or 100,000 dollars in school debt. So yes, I think I'm doing pretty damn good. I'm proud of several things I've done. I've always tried to live by the expression "Will I regret not doing this when I'm 80"? And act from there. I started saying that when I was 11. I heard it somewhere and it just....stuck. So I constantly look at my present with an air of  "this is your chance, this won't come again, gogogogoooo!" Within reason of course. I want to LIVE past 80, so some things are just a "NO".

But now to look to the future! What do I want to do in the next ten years, when I'm 39? I want to see myself looking back and shaking my head in disbelief in thinking that I would be a nothing writer. I want to see myself having impacted and inspiring children to want to read, and teens to not feel so alone--or even better, that they too can be writers! I want to be 39 and looking back at the past nine years where I traveled the world, where I woke up with a different view in my window every few months. In the next ten years I want to be creative in every way. I want to not only write--I want to work with artists to make comic books. I'm a NEEK. That's my word for a nerd and a geek. I am both.

I can't just be a 'writer' I want to be more than that. I want to write. I want to help other artists, I want to collobrate and make a mark on this world with more than just words. In ten years time I  want to be waking up in a hotel room in the summer time about to attend Comic Con because I'M A GUEST. There will be pocky and ramune bottles and pizza boxes everywhere while I and my kids and my sisters Audrey and Izzy wake up slightly hung over. Not the kids of course. They'll be the ones waking us up. But they'll be very smart children and they'll do it by offering us all tea. And I will be on a panel to help inspire fellow geeks. I will let them know you CAN make it, even if you're a later bloomer like me. You can do it. YOU CAN.

That's where I expect to be by the time I'm 39. And I'll get there. One birthday at a time. For now, I'll enjoy my last year being 29. I will not fear the aging process. It means i'm getting smarter, faster, stronger. Daft Punk knows all to well. SO BRING IT 29!!! BRING IT OOOOON!

Singing the Single Blues

      Being older as a single girl is weird. No one really tells you that, or maybe they're lying to you! But it's weird. In your late twenties your starting to really think about family--having one, running away from one, making one--even if you don't want to, or thought it wasn't something you'd think about. You do. And then you (I mean me, of course) start to freak out a tiny bit. But I digress. Loneliness was in the title of this post, and if you didn't catch that, you might want to skip this post--especially if you're looking for a fluffy feel good romance. THIS IS NOT THE PLACE FOR THAT! So grab a tequila shot or ten and join me in my loneliness, it'll make me feel less alone!

      I'm a young woman in her late 20's and I've run into the problem of being Single. Yes readers, that's with a capital S. I know there are lots of women my age who don't have boyfriends, or who have broken up recently and feel like there's no hope of finding the right guy. Or maybe you're busy getting your career started, or maybe you're just barely making ends meat and so you don't have time to think about dating or being in a relationship. Sadly, I'm still working on my career, but my career choice (being a writer) can actually be--and often is--a very lonely one. I don't do well with lonely. I think most the of the time I write just so I don't feel alone, or remember that I'm alone.

     But it's that time in life when your friends magically start getting married, have kids, own a house, get major career advances, and start serious relationships that are about to become marriage proposals. And there you are, wondering why the fairy godmother skipped you over. You're the Cinderella who didn't get the chores done in time and suddenly there's no more princes or fairy godmothers available! All of a sudden you're surrounded by people who are happy and settling (or jetting off) into new things. Things that require a significant other. So what do you do? Who do you turn to? Your friends might tell you to stop being so picky, or to just focus on your career and the right guy will come along. But what if you're me?

     You know what I do all day? I write. I sit with music playing in my ears and my fingers flying along a key board. When I'm not doing that I'm working with children. I don't work in any field that requires adult interaction. Let alone any flirty adult interactions. And the older I get the more I start to look up from my computer and think to myself  'I'm not normal. There has to be something wrong with me. Why can't I find a guy? Why can't I stop being so picky?'  I often think there has to be something wrong with me. Half the time I fall back onto my looks. I know, its shallow and vapid. But men are highly visual creatures. Perhaps I'm not alluring enough. Hmmm. Maybe if I wore a squid on my head I might be more appealing? I also live in Southern California, where men are mostly trained to fall for the girl with the most fashion sense and thinner bodies. I could prattle one about that--but I'm not going to because 'looks' is another topic completely.

     I also have this weird little quirk. I completely tie my 'desirability' with my 'work'. Do I make enough money? No. Do I live on my own or have a successful writing career right now? No. Ergo, I'm not attractive as a mate. At least not to the guys that I want to attract. I feel like a failure at life half the time, mostly due to lack of being where most of my other friends are. Busy graduating schools, busy launching their careers, busy being moms to awesome kids. And I'm.....not. I'm alone.  I have friends, but on the whole, at the end of the day, when I flip open my computer and pour myself a glass of wine I realize I'm completely alone. No one to give me a thought except myself.  And then I write. Because that's all I have.

    I wish I could get rid of singing the Single Blues. I wish I were in a place where men found girls like me attractive (honestly, I know lots of single girls say that about where they live. That guys don't like girls with looks like they have, but seriously, come to Southern California. It;s a whoooooole different ball game my friends!). But I don't. And I don't have the means to travel the world as I should be doing to run into a guy. Instead I'm stuck working with two ADHD boys, one of which who loves to defy me at every turn or polite inquiry. My chances of finding a guy where I live are very VERY slim. And my job choice makes it even worse.

    So how do I do it? How do I get a guy? I have no idea. I'm sure some of it is to finally succeed in writing--then I won't feel like such a failure at life. Its nice to say to a guy "Please come to my place, I can cook!" because you actually have money to pay for groceries on a regular basis. But I can't, and I'm SURE that makes me look absolutely useless to men. I wish I could say "I don't need a man to make my life complete!" but actually....I do. I need a partner! I need the jelly to my peanut butter, the salsa to my guacamole! But it seems to me, that fate is not in my cards.

     OH! And as a final note of self pity and curiosity, I have to ask a question! You know that expression "love will come when you least expect it"?  Am I the only person on this whole marble of a planet that says "I give up! I'm not looking anymore!" and THINK you mean it, but then find out that really, deep down, you don't. If you genuinely expect it, even when you try not to, how on earth are you ever supposed find some one? Does the universe say "She was just kidding, she's still hoping. So lets keep her single"? Because I'm beginning to feel like it's playing one big joke on me.


    I think I need another shot or ten! Bar keep, I need a tequila shot and a squid, STAT!

   
     

2014: The New Year means New Habits!......Right???

    I seem to have forgotten to write here! Poor little blog, it tries SO hard and what does it get? A handful of dried crackers and stale water. I'm sorry blog, I'll try to be a bit better about updating here, since life seems to dictate that I should! So lets see, a new update for a new year.....bullet point time--because who wants to read five paragraphs!?

 -Realized my job was not going well

-Had a nervous breakdown at 1 in the morning in car (not my proudest moment)

-Completed three short stories, submitted to a contest

-Started (and working on) a new novel! Er, Novella? Book? Thing? I'll have pages and words, that's all I can promise.

-In search of a title for my short story (that will eventually become a trilogy) that can't be submitted to another contest until I figure that out. Contest due Jan. 31. Bleh!

-Had to say goodbye to a friend too soon and desperately wished they were here. Or that I was there...(But Sweden is so cold......)

-Was grateful for amazing friends, old friends, and new.

-Started looking for new jobs because old job is STILL not going well.

      And last but not least, I find myself at the moment in constant state of either being very positive about life, or very down about it followed by a slightly panicked feeling. Which is not okay. Normally I'm very positive consistently, so the fact that I'm changing feelings nearly every other day is not good for my moral OR my peace of mind. My mind likes peace. It likes being positive. Universe, please explain yourself!

      I have an inkling suspicion that its because I'm unhappy with where I am in life. Not my physical location by any means, but just for.....life. I should be further along. I should be published. But I'll get there. I've always been a late bloomer in a lot of things in life, why not writing as well, eh? It's still furstrating though, knowing where you want to be and not being there yet.

      One thing I would like to say, because I can, is how I feel about New Years. A person recently said that no one should use New Years as an excuse to start something new. It's not needed. But I have an argument against that. Sure, you could just decide at any moment to start a new diet, or a new relationship, or a new fashion trend, but people NEED a push. And New Years is excellent for that. Its a Fresh Start, that's what people feel New Years is. A new year to do things differently, a REASON to do things differently. Its a NEW YEAR. A new you. A new...whatever you want.

      I know I appreciate having a chance to take a breath and say, "okay, this is a new year. I can do things differently." and then DO IT. So yes, you can start something new anytime you want, but I think its perfectly reasonable and logical to start new things on New Years.

    Oh, and expect a rant in the soon to be future (probably sometime this week. Wensday? Thursday?) about Nannying and children with ADHD. If you don't like rants or ADHD you MIGHT just want to grab a drink and walk away. Or grab a drink and listen in. It's going to be fun. In fact, grab a drink for me too! Thanks!
 

Hills, Mountains, and a Hopeful Heart

 In life you have mountains and you have hills. Depending on who you are, even hills can seem like mountains. But there's no use whining about the things that pop in your life--you just have to take a deep breath (and hope that you've been working out at a gym recently) and charge up those hills and mountains, because there always going to be there, waiting. Immovable. For some people hills are getting less hours at work, being late for a meeting or date, or even accidentally paying rent late. Mountains are tougher, and often times they're internal. Such as overcoming addiction, self-hate, and depression.

My particular hill is self-doubt. Sometimes it goes away and I see nothing but a straight road to my goals with a nicely paved path and arrows blinking lights shouting, "you're going the right way!" Other times it becomes a hill that turns into a mountain and the signs are broken and read "turn back, you can't do this." Self-doubt is a hard thing to beat. Almost as hard as finding courage to climb past those signs and up the narrow trail winding into the mountains. It's something I struggle with daily. Today it was a tiny hill, tomorrow it could be a mountain. But that's where Hope comes in.

Hope for a better future, hope that my books will do well. Hope that I will somehow, someday, touch someone's life with my words. Make them look up from the last chapter and breath "It can't end!" The more I read, the more I write, the more I'm absolutely positive that writing is what I was meant to do with my life. Stories bubble up out of nowhere. Dreams. Thoughts. Laundry Commercials. Yarn. And I don't feel as much joy, agony, frustration, and triumph than when my hands are flying over my laptop keys putting forth a world that seems to come out all by itself.

I try not to listen to the self-doubt. I try to keep a hopeful heart. Because someday--and someday soon--my words will reach more than a few select friends, teenagers, and children. Someday soon my words will be seen by thousands and delight people of all ages. Or hopefully encouraged some one to want to be a writer too! For the past few weeks self-doubt has been a large mountain, but I heard a quote from a show recently, and it was so beautifully (if painfully) true that I've made it my new mantra. I say it every time I look into my e-mail box and see that I have no response from the latest agent I sent my book to. Because you need Hopeful Heart in this world of writing. Otherwise you might as well get rid of Word from your desktop and stop burning candles to the gods of writing.

"Confidence is easy. Confidence you can fake. But Success? You have to fail many times to get that." 

And Now......

Why hello blog and people who read this blog! For those that follow me (which is hardly anyone. In fact, I think it's just me and voices in my head at this point), I'm sorry! But I have a list of excuses valid reasons as to why I couldn't write on this until now!

-My social life suddenly turned exceedingly social

-I finished my book!!!!

-I looked for agents and didn't find any willing to take a chance on me and plunged into a tub (or ten) of ice cream and pasta. (each sold separately. Pasta ice cream? Eugh.)

-I lost my social life. I think it went into the direction of 'never to be seen again'.

- I had to walk my cat

-I had to wash my hair.....a lot.

As you can see, I was really really busy! I went to England over the winter time to visit my dear friend Anna, and wished I could have stayed longer than two weeks. But while I was there I got inspired and came back home with tea AND two new story ideas!

I think a while ago I once said that people only ever write on blogs (generally) when they're either exceedingly happy or very sad/angry/depressed. At the moment I'm the second one. Well, part of it. You see, I'm going to Ireland for A) research for my second book and B) a much needed vacation.  Why the sadness/depression then?? Excellent question! And the answer is:

I don't know why.

I wish I did. How hysterical is it that I get to go to a wonderful country where I've found the answer to why I am the way I am, only to be sad right before I go. I'm sure its a compilation of many little things. In part it's worry I don't have enough money to do what I want to do while I'm in Ireland (though I'll be fine, I'm sure!).Some of it is, I think, also in relation to a friendship. Or even deeper still, the thought that maybe I've become a horrible, selfish, self centered narcissist. Really, pick any adjective that describes 'me me me' attitudes and that's what I think I'm becoming. And I don't know how to un-become it. I don't think that's a word, but I'm making it one here in this blog.

People are important to me. So are friendship. And so are the opinions of others. I know technically I shouldn't care what people thing of me--but I do. Most of the time. I don't like the thought of being 'that person who talks about themselves a lot' (although I AM on this blog talking about myself....hmm...conundrum....), as that's not who I am--at least not every day of the week. And I'm not quite sure how to get back to basics so to speak. 

But enough ranting about that! I'm sure I'll figure out how to fix myself with the help of google! Google knows all! So Ireland. I'm going there. It's going to be AMAZING. It hasn't sunk in just how awesome and amazing its going to be since I'm still stressed about not having enough money. I'll probably go into the mindset that I did when I was there last time: 'You have 700 dollars for two and a half weeks. Good luck!'. I have more than 700 dollars this time around, and the exchange rate is waaaaay better than last time! But still. I have that panicky 'you don't have enough money to do this feeling'. 

So. Now you know what I'm doing and you're all caught up! I bet you didn't even get a chance to finish that cup of coffee you were in the middle of drinking while reading this! Or vodka. Whichever! The point is, that was the fastest I've ever summarized seven months of my life ever, and you were all here to witness it! Congrats!

Getting the Boulder Rolling

Hello blog and all those invisible people reading this (I know its really only Ad marketers, but a blogger of no importance like myself can dream can't they?)! You may have wondered where I ran away to. I bet you thought I went and met a super handsome, charming LA boy who didn't have the usual 'judge a girl only by her looks' mind set. Well! I'm pleased to say you'd be.......wrong. HA!

In all actual factual reality I have spent the past *counts on fingers* seven months (REALLY!? 7 months?!) finishing my book. I have never in my life finished a book. Maybe I shouldn't state that on the internet where it will now be held up and made fun of later on in my life, but its worth the risk! I have completed my book! I agonized over, I spent a few weeks completely despondent over ever finishing it when the parts I thought would be easiest to write turned out to be the hardest. Of course, I couldn't share my misery alone. Oh no.

A few select friends were privy to my constant calling of them and saying "I can't do this!" and "I don't have enough material for 300 pages! What am I going to do!?!?!" And like the amazing troopers they were, they patted my back, filled my wine glass with wine, and forced me to finish it like all good friends do. Would I get this book finished without them? Maybe in five years...or never. Friends are a wonderful thing!

So yes! Seven months. And all I have to show for it is a completed book! If I had my way I'd slap my hands together and say "there, all done!" and leave it be. But I have very demanding friends and my little tiny ego has voiced that this book be published. And so with all of the starry eyed assurance of a teenager saying "I'm going to be the next Hannah Montana!" I've sent my little book out into the world of agents.

   Its an odd thing to send out query letters. But I'll save that topic for another post--yup, its that harrowing of a tale! I've sent out queries along with exerts from my book and crossed fingers, and now I have to wait. Initially I only sent out four query letters (that is, letters you write to agents by trying to be your own agent describing your book in such a way that they want to show it off to others. That's right. You're an agent to get an agent. Writers, good luck!), and I have received two rejection letters. Though they were very nice rejection letters, and one even said my book was good, and to not give up! How's that for encouragement!?

 As the season changes into fall, when people begin to anticipate buying apple cider while waiting for the end of the world on December 21, I'm just starting to prepare for a long battle. Because that's what the writing world is my friends. A battle. But now that I'm completely free (for now) of writing books, I can turn my attention back to my sorely neglected blog. Not that I have a lot going on in my life, but I'll try to keep it interesting!

  Who knows? Maybe I'll do something crazy like land a book deal! Or find out that men in Southern California have spontanously become smart and well read young men who can carry on a conversation that doesn't revolve around the famous people they know, what they do, and how many girls they've slept with (why yes, I have had that conversation presented to me in that order while on a date). 

 A girl can dream!