The Open Road

This weekend I head off to San Francisco to visit a friend I've known for nearly 12 years. I'm very very grateful for the friendship I have. We've helped each other through many things, and despite the distance and sometimes even the amount of times when we don't speak, we're always close. There's no hard feelings or blaming when one contacts the other after a long time in between not speaking. Just pure joy at having a friend you know you can call and just...be. I go perhaps once a year (and I really should make it more often) and it's always such fun when I go! It's truly a life long friendship that I know not every one has in this life.

When I go to visit her, I drive. It's a long way from my house to San Francisco, but I really enjoy it. I have to wake up really early--which, I admit, I hate--but when I cross over a mountain pass into the flat lands of Bakersfield (the land of cows and cow poop. Seriously. Just miles and miles of cows and poop. Welcome to California folks!) the sun will just be rising and I see a desert valley stretched before me bordered by brown mountains. Bakersfield is really just shades of brown with patches of green. I stop at the same gas stations that I stopped at as a kid when my mom took me up the redwoods, and eat at the same diner. I see the same mountains and hills and when I hit Gilroy I always stop and buy local fruit and garlic from the stands on the side of the road. Because it's tradition. Because when I do it, I feel like I'm more myself.

I'm alone.

If you don't live in the US you might not understand the appeal of a road trip. But for me, to be alone in a car as I drive across the expanse of California alone with my thoughts and the radio...I love it. It's a great way to get some perspective and as I drive I feel my concerns and worries go away. I can relax and just look at the ribbon of cracked gray road I drive on. I can use the time to just be myself in the car and listen to my thoughts and be. I think that's why I like traveling so much. I love rediscovering myself. But driving up to San Francisco is different.

Rather than thinking about where I'm going, I think about where I've been. I remember the road well, I remember who I was and how old I was when I was on the road. I remember the feelings and even thoughts I had. I go backwards. But it helps me to see who I was and how far I've come, and compare who I am now. I also feel very free and independent when I drive alone on such a long trip like this. I feel my self confidence grow in my ability to travel by myself, take care of myself, trust myself to take the right roads. It's a much needed break from my life back home.

My fondest memories when I take this trip (Besides seeing the flat lands of Bakersfield) is the twisting road that snakes through Gilroy. The lush green hills and mountains are right against the road, tall and filled with trees and bushes that cling to craggy rock and soft soil. It should look scary and intimidating with how tall they tower above you and press around you, but it isn't. They feel friendly. You feel safe rather than scared. I've been through the pass many times and it still makes me say "WOOOOW!" every time.

I love the open road.

I need this trip. I need it to reflect on my life and to review my past. This trip is long over due, and when I get out of the car, it'll be to step into the arms of an amazing friend who'll be holding a glass of wine out for me. Because that's how my friend rolls. Good thing I'm bringing some bottles of wine in return!

Shedding Skin

    I didn't grow up in a normal home--I think a lot of people don't. But I grew up very unconventionally because my dad was a motorcycle riding, Santa look alike, hippie. He had me grow up in a tepee in the mountains with trees for friends, a boat where our table became our bed, and a quaint small home by the ocean that he lovingly grew wild flowers around. All of these places hold very definable memories for me and my life. I look at back on them and remember them with almost perfect clarity. Perhaps not every day of my life, but many life lessons and even inconsequential things like watching him destroy a colony of ants in the wildflowers. I was devastated because I was watching them and found it fascinating to watch the queen lay eggs. Sure, they would soon grow and enter our home and eat my sugary snacks, but it was so interesting to watch how nature worked! Then it was destroyed by his shovel right before my eyes. 

     But the thing is, even when I look back on these moments in my memory I remember them because at the time that the events were happening I said to myself "you need to remember this moment and this feeling right now." I have always looked towards the future impatiently. I wanted to grow up. Hell, I FELT grown up at a young age. I felt too mature for my age. As a teen I didn't understand other teenagers who didn't question everything, who did stupid drama things and had boyfriends only to break up two weeks later. Why call them a boyfriend? Why have one at all? The friends I made in high school were unhealthy in a lot of ways...but I also learned from those bad experiences and to be fair, they DID have brains in their heads and were very serious to a degree about life--at the age of 16 we opened our own legitimate business and ran it for three years (legally owned the name, paid taxes, everything.).

     So here's my point. I've always wanted to grow up, or be in the future. I enjoy being in the present for sure, and I don't regret things in my past or choices I've made. But right now....right NOW I'm on edge. I'm losing it a little. I don't regret things I did in the past.....but I'm terrified of the present. I'm terrified of the me I am now. I feel like I'm on a high wire above a very large canyon and one small step, one gust of wind, is going to blow me away into oblivion and I will have failed without even getting started. Maybe this is all the backlash of me turning 29. Maybe its my fears creeping in saying "you should be farther a long in life. What the hell are you doing?" I do. I feel like I'm failing right now.

     But also I feel this....ripple. This change. All my fears that were at the back of my mind are now bubbling forth to the front, and from it I feel the desperate need to CHANGE. Like....completely change ME. I want to be different. I want to act different, I want to be so different my friends don't recognize me. Along with the fears--like that suddenly I'm too old to achieve my dreams like living in Japan or not making it as a writer--is a writhing, seething, screaming urge to transform.

    This isn't you!  

     That's what my inner me is saying. Who you are right now, that's not you. This present me needs to die. I need to be different. It's terrifying. I've never wanted or felt the need to change so dramatically. But I want to. I want to change so bad, and I don't think there's a way to stop it. But it's a good change, it really is. If I let it. But first....first I think I need to conquer my fears. I have a lot of them. I think the biggest one is disappointing people and not doing things I want to because they seem crazy or too far fetched. I want to stop thinking that way. I want to go for the gold. I want to hold my head high and say "So what? You got a problem with it? Too bad!" 

     This need to change....I've always had little bits of change I want to do, that I go through--everyone does. I want to change so badly that my skin feels itchy and I want to rip it all off. I've never had this experience...this drive, before I don't know what to do with it or why its happening. Just that it IS happening and I need...no HAVE to do it. I don't know what I'll look like on the other side. I don't know who I'll be. That scares me. But what scares me more is  the thought of being who I am right now, forever. This is NOT who I want to be. This is not who I'm meant to be.

I need to shed this skin.

Growing Pains

Have you ever had growing pains as a teenager? No? Me neither. But that's because I'm Irish and short and never had the need for them (ha!). But my sister did. She was always growing. Always. When shew as a teenager she had a few months where it physically hurt her to grow. Her bones ached, her hair ached (totally a real thing, apparently), even her teeth ached. And all from growing a bit too fast. Growing pains suck, or so my brothers and sisters tell me.

But I feel there aren't just physical growing pains in life. There are emotional ones too. Growing your mind, accepting when you're wrong about something, growing out of an environment or a situation, that's all a type of growing pain. And we humans HATE change. Most of the time we "suck it up" and keep going even if its not the best thing for us. Because it's what we know even it if sucks. But you know what Life Growing Pains are? Those are the pains life gives you that LOOK like terrible things but are really designed to make you grow from them. They look like big, nasty, scary monsters bent on drinking all your nice alcohol and turning your life into shambles. But what they are, what they really are, are lessons. Improvements. It just doesn't seem like it right away.

My life has thrown a couple of oh-dear-god-how-will-I-survive-this situations my way recently. And to top it all off, they chucked them at me while also giving me a terrible terrible cold AND insomnia. Ugh. I haven't been this stressed out since all those years ago when I lost my job and rent was due AND my roommate left me to cover it all. Yeah. I felt about that level of stress this last week. It was not fun. But now that the horrendous week is over I can BREATH. I woke up this morning without a cold and without, for the time being, stress.

I took a deep breath this morning as I drank my tea, and thought. All week long several people have told me about my car Stella (who I loved soooo much, it hurts to think about her). That while she was good and had so many memories, this new car that I bought will make more memories, new and fun memories. I wasn't ready to hear it yet. In the back of mind my baby car was coming home. But this morning, I finally came to terms with my new car, and my new situation, and this is what I have decided.

Life isn't going to throw me things I can't handle. Sure, a higher insurance bill than I've had in nearly six years SUCKS A LOT, and the fact that I now have a higher payment for a new car coming due, that sucks too. But then I have to ask that question that you learn at the age of 2 to annoy your parents. WHY? Why did all of this happen? Why do I have to get a new car RIGHT NOW just when I got a new job that provides me with income that I can actually start saving again only to see that money disappear!? It doesn't seem fair. It seems like Life is out to get me and has enlisted the mafia to help. But really, its just growing pains.

Earlier, on another blog, I posted about how I felt, deep in my writer bones, that this was the year for me. This year was going to be the year that writing was going to take off. And you know what? I'm probably not wrong. But that means extra income.  That means I'm going to be okay. And this new car and slightly higher insurance? That's going to be okay too. Because Life is really just balancing things out--or preparing me for another shift. A good shift. And I mean sure, because of my new job I CAN afford this hiccup in my life, but it's painful. That was money I was hoping to save and not have to touch. But you know what? It's all going to be okay.

This pain is only temporary. The future is going to be much brighter.

A Driver's Ode to Car

What can I say about my beautiful car Stella? She was a trooper, she survived many a harrowing and terrible driver on the road (I'm looking at YOU all non-native SoCal drivers who don't know what the fast lane is and plod along in it WELL below even  the actual speed limit), and even transported wounded friends. She was the bubble in which many secrets and dreams were told in, rants were screamed in, and junk food and hidden candy were consumed in.

She drove through rain and sunshine, through hill and dale, mountain and desert road. She was a piece of red metal but she had personality and LIFE. She never gave up. Even on her last day as a car she when by all accounts she should have combusted, she drove kids around safely, kepts us cool, and even got me half way home and safely into a parking lot before firing her last pistol. No other car can replace my beautiful Stella, but like putting down an old dog or falling off a horse, I need to move on quickly to a new car so as to dull the bitter disappointment of my loss.

You were a wonderful friend Stella.

And so ends my Ode to my car. Tomorrow I must go forth and collect my things from her dead body and then move on to another car. No one can replace Stella, but hopefully new and better memories can be made with my new car. 

Lemons

When life hands you lemons you don't make lemonade--you throw them right back and say "no thank you, I already have enough!" 

If you're lucky, life will freak out and quickly retreat, taking its lemons and stop hounding you. If you're NOT lucky (aka, me), then life laughs at you and then throws more lemons before running away. It seems to me that recently every time I take one step forward, I get chucked at with lemons. This specific lemon is the in the shape of my beautiful baby car, Stella.

I know lots of people just see a car and go "pff, it's just a car. " But this America my friends. AMERICA. We live in our cars. We raise our families in our cars. Stella was the car that I saw driving my someday adopted kids in as we journeyed in the summer of an epic Across the Country adventure. It was where I've spent six years of my life in. It's traveled up and down California, Oregon, and Washington. I was going to take her so much further. She was the car I had when I took my little sister Audrey to her very first drive in movie. She took my little sisters to their first Ren Fair. So many wonderful memories were made in her, and I had intended to keep her forever. And now?

 Now it looks like forever looks more like next Monday.

I'm not happy. There's a sliiiiiim chance she can be saved--but it doesn't look good. And then not only will I be car-less, it means I have to find a new car. A car that doesn't suck. I don't want to give up on Stella. She's my baby. But what else can I do? Life threw a lemon at me I can't dodge, nor really make lemonade out of. Maybe life is just testing me before easing off and giving my car back. Cross your fingers for me, because I really want my baby back. We have adventures to take together!

Lament of a 20-Something

My birthday is in exactly 10 days. I feel safe putting it out on this since I know no one is really reading this! And why would you!? I'm a terrible blogger who only posts at my whim and not on any known schedule. You poor, poor, non-readers. I know how hard that must be. But we soldier on with martini glasses in one hand and a shot glass in the other in the hopes that I will write a post. Well you've all imbibed enough alcohol to please me, so here is your post!

  So yes, my birthday. It's my last year in my 20's. My last year to be able to look around wide eyed and say "I dunno what to do with my life, I'm still young!" and get away with things that would be considered 'young foolish mistakes'. Its such a shame then, that I hate making dumb foolish mistakes. I was that kid that watched other kids get hurt and say "And that's why I won't do it." Yup, I was a survivor at a young age. Watch how people do things that get them hurt/in trouble and don't do it. Or just get REALLY good at lying. I think the technical term for it is 'Acting'. But I digress. It's my last year to be 20 something and then I get to be a spinster at 30. Hey, I've read the Victorian books, I know my title!

Personally, I feel bad, because I feel like I should have this panicky feeling of being considered almost over the hill.  But I don't. I mean, sure, it's the 21st century and most girls are in their PRIME at 30 right? Riiiiiiggghhht.....but usually at 30 they magically meet a man and have a kid a year later, or land a terrific job in an exotic location. Or maybe that's just our hopeful thinking. But that's not me. I haven't been in a serious relationship (okay, ANY KIND of relationship) in the past three years. I feel like I'm not even anywhere near ready to be 30, let alone 29. But anyways, turning 29, realizing that I'm becoming older has me reflecting on my past quite a bit lately. Do I regret things? Do I wish I had done more? You're almost over the hill! My brain screams at me. THINK ABOUT IT. And I do.

Personally I regret nothing. Even the bad things that have happened in my life--bad things that were beyond my control as a child and bad things that happened to me through my own mistakes. I needed those experiences for a reason. Why? I don't know. But I'm sure the answer will become clear later on--it always does. I don't always LOVE the things that happened to me, but I don't regret them. Life shouldn't be lived that way. I do wish writing didn't take so long, I do wish that becoming a writer wasn't my goal in life--but it is. I can't be anything else. Its my soul. So I trudge on feeling like I'm going nowhere but knowing that somehow, my wagon and oxen are making slow gain through the mud.

Looking back, am I proud of the past 28 years? Well, I'm alive, not a drug addict, an alcoholic (I'm Irish, that's almost genetically impossible, but I did it!), or 100,000 dollars in school debt. So yes, I think I'm doing pretty damn good. I'm proud of several things I've done. I've always tried to live by the expression "Will I regret not doing this when I'm 80"? And act from there. I started saying that when I was 11. I heard it somewhere and it just....stuck. So I constantly look at my present with an air of  "this is your chance, this won't come again, gogogogoooo!" Within reason of course. I want to LIVE past 80, so some things are just a "NO".

But now to look to the future! What do I want to do in the next ten years, when I'm 39? I want to see myself looking back and shaking my head in disbelief in thinking that I would be a nothing writer. I want to see myself having impacted and inspiring children to want to read, and teens to not feel so alone--or even better, that they too can be writers! I want to be 39 and looking back at the past nine years where I traveled the world, where I woke up with a different view in my window every few months. In the next ten years I want to be creative in every way. I want to not only write--I want to work with artists to make comic books. I'm a NEEK. That's my word for a nerd and a geek. I am both.

I can't just be a 'writer' I want to be more than that. I want to write. I want to help other artists, I want to collobrate and make a mark on this world with more than just words. In ten years time I  want to be waking up in a hotel room in the summer time about to attend Comic Con because I'M A GUEST. There will be pocky and ramune bottles and pizza boxes everywhere while I and my kids and my sisters Audrey and Izzy wake up slightly hung over. Not the kids of course. They'll be the ones waking us up. But they'll be very smart children and they'll do it by offering us all tea. And I will be on a panel to help inspire fellow geeks. I will let them know you CAN make it, even if you're a later bloomer like me. You can do it. YOU CAN.

That's where I expect to be by the time I'm 39. And I'll get there. One birthday at a time. For now, I'll enjoy my last year being 29. I will not fear the aging process. It means i'm getting smarter, faster, stronger. Daft Punk knows all to well. SO BRING IT 29!!! BRING IT OOOOON!

Singing the Single Blues

      Being older as a single girl is weird. No one really tells you that, or maybe they're lying to you! But it's weird. In your late twenties your starting to really think about family--having one, running away from one, making one--even if you don't want to, or thought it wasn't something you'd think about. You do. And then you (I mean me, of course) start to freak out a tiny bit. But I digress. Loneliness was in the title of this post, and if you didn't catch that, you might want to skip this post--especially if you're looking for a fluffy feel good romance. THIS IS NOT THE PLACE FOR THAT! So grab a tequila shot or ten and join me in my loneliness, it'll make me feel less alone!

      I'm a young woman in her late 20's and I've run into the problem of being Single. Yes readers, that's with a capital S. I know there are lots of women my age who don't have boyfriends, or who have broken up recently and feel like there's no hope of finding the right guy. Or maybe you're busy getting your career started, or maybe you're just barely making ends meat and so you don't have time to think about dating or being in a relationship. Sadly, I'm still working on my career, but my career choice (being a writer) can actually be--and often is--a very lonely one. I don't do well with lonely. I think most the of the time I write just so I don't feel alone, or remember that I'm alone.

     But it's that time in life when your friends magically start getting married, have kids, own a house, get major career advances, and start serious relationships that are about to become marriage proposals. And there you are, wondering why the fairy godmother skipped you over. You're the Cinderella who didn't get the chores done in time and suddenly there's no more princes or fairy godmothers available! All of a sudden you're surrounded by people who are happy and settling (or jetting off) into new things. Things that require a significant other. So what do you do? Who do you turn to? Your friends might tell you to stop being so picky, or to just focus on your career and the right guy will come along. But what if you're me?

     You know what I do all day? I write. I sit with music playing in my ears and my fingers flying along a key board. When I'm not doing that I'm working with children. I don't work in any field that requires adult interaction. Let alone any flirty adult interactions. And the older I get the more I start to look up from my computer and think to myself  'I'm not normal. There has to be something wrong with me. Why can't I find a guy? Why can't I stop being so picky?'  I often think there has to be something wrong with me. Half the time I fall back onto my looks. I know, its shallow and vapid. But men are highly visual creatures. Perhaps I'm not alluring enough. Hmmm. Maybe if I wore a squid on my head I might be more appealing? I also live in Southern California, where men are mostly trained to fall for the girl with the most fashion sense and thinner bodies. I could prattle one about that--but I'm not going to because 'looks' is another topic completely.

     I also have this weird little quirk. I completely tie my 'desirability' with my 'work'. Do I make enough money? No. Do I live on my own or have a successful writing career right now? No. Ergo, I'm not attractive as a mate. At least not to the guys that I want to attract. I feel like a failure at life half the time, mostly due to lack of being where most of my other friends are. Busy graduating schools, busy launching their careers, busy being moms to awesome kids. And I'm.....not. I'm alone.  I have friends, but on the whole, at the end of the day, when I flip open my computer and pour myself a glass of wine I realize I'm completely alone. No one to give me a thought except myself.  And then I write. Because that's all I have.

    I wish I could get rid of singing the Single Blues. I wish I were in a place where men found girls like me attractive (honestly, I know lots of single girls say that about where they live. That guys don't like girls with looks like they have, but seriously, come to Southern California. It;s a whoooooole different ball game my friends!). But I don't. And I don't have the means to travel the world as I should be doing to run into a guy. Instead I'm stuck working with two ADHD boys, one of which who loves to defy me at every turn or polite inquiry. My chances of finding a guy where I live are very VERY slim. And my job choice makes it even worse.

    So how do I do it? How do I get a guy? I have no idea. I'm sure some of it is to finally succeed in writing--then I won't feel like such a failure at life. Its nice to say to a guy "Please come to my place, I can cook!" because you actually have money to pay for groceries on a regular basis. But I can't, and I'm SURE that makes me look absolutely useless to men. I wish I could say "I don't need a man to make my life complete!" but actually....I do. I need a partner! I need the jelly to my peanut butter, the salsa to my guacamole! But it seems to me, that fate is not in my cards.

     OH! And as a final note of self pity and curiosity, I have to ask a question! You know that expression "love will come when you least expect it"?  Am I the only person on this whole marble of a planet that says "I give up! I'm not looking anymore!" and THINK you mean it, but then find out that really, deep down, you don't. If you genuinely expect it, even when you try not to, how on earth are you ever supposed find some one? Does the universe say "She was just kidding, she's still hoping. So lets keep her single"? Because I'm beginning to feel like it's playing one big joke on me.


    I think I need another shot or ten! Bar keep, I need a tequila shot and a squid, STAT!

   
     

2014: The New Year means New Habits!......Right???

    I seem to have forgotten to write here! Poor little blog, it tries SO hard and what does it get? A handful of dried crackers and stale water. I'm sorry blog, I'll try to be a bit better about updating here, since life seems to dictate that I should! So lets see, a new update for a new year.....bullet point time--because who wants to read five paragraphs!?

 -Realized my job was not going well

-Had a nervous breakdown at 1 in the morning in car (not my proudest moment)

-Completed three short stories, submitted to a contest

-Started (and working on) a new novel! Er, Novella? Book? Thing? I'll have pages and words, that's all I can promise.

-In search of a title for my short story (that will eventually become a trilogy) that can't be submitted to another contest until I figure that out. Contest due Jan. 31. Bleh!

-Had to say goodbye to a friend too soon and desperately wished they were here. Or that I was there...(But Sweden is so cold......)

-Was grateful for amazing friends, old friends, and new.

-Started looking for new jobs because old job is STILL not going well.

      And last but not least, I find myself at the moment in constant state of either being very positive about life, or very down about it followed by a slightly panicked feeling. Which is not okay. Normally I'm very positive consistently, so the fact that I'm changing feelings nearly every other day is not good for my moral OR my peace of mind. My mind likes peace. It likes being positive. Universe, please explain yourself!

      I have an inkling suspicion that its because I'm unhappy with where I am in life. Not my physical location by any means, but just for.....life. I should be further along. I should be published. But I'll get there. I've always been a late bloomer in a lot of things in life, why not writing as well, eh? It's still furstrating though, knowing where you want to be and not being there yet.

      One thing I would like to say, because I can, is how I feel about New Years. A person recently said that no one should use New Years as an excuse to start something new. It's not needed. But I have an argument against that. Sure, you could just decide at any moment to start a new diet, or a new relationship, or a new fashion trend, but people NEED a push. And New Years is excellent for that. Its a Fresh Start, that's what people feel New Years is. A new year to do things differently, a REASON to do things differently. Its a NEW YEAR. A new you. A new...whatever you want.

      I know I appreciate having a chance to take a breath and say, "okay, this is a new year. I can do things differently." and then DO IT. So yes, you can start something new anytime you want, but I think its perfectly reasonable and logical to start new things on New Years.

    Oh, and expect a rant in the soon to be future (probably sometime this week. Wensday? Thursday?) about Nannying and children with ADHD. If you don't like rants or ADHD you MIGHT just want to grab a drink and walk away. Or grab a drink and listen in. It's going to be fun. In fact, grab a drink for me too! Thanks!