By nature I'm a helper. I'm a helper perhaps even when people don't want my help. But giving, sharing compassion, understanding, and a helping hand is what makes me feel like I'm on top of the world and at my most alive. As I prepare to go to job interviews to jobs I don't want to do--that I know I don't thrive in--the knowledge that in my mind I'm not doing something 'bigger' races through my brain.
'Bigger' is a relative term. And it can be so different depending on the person involved. To the boy who comes from a gang infested world and makes it out alive and works an honest job in retail, that is certainly Bigger. To a woman who quits her job to take care of her mother with cancer, that is definitely Bigger. For myself personally, Bigger is making a difference in the lives of children. I was raised in an low income one-parent household, and my aspirations were for being a teacher. But in my heart, even as a kid hiding in the library devouring books, I knew I wanted to be more than my surroundings. I knew I was different than the other kids. Even when I dreamed of being a teacher, I dreamed of being a famous teacher. Something Bigger.
Running around in a power suite stepping on people, crunching numbers, and presenting power point presentations to corporate conglomerates was never--and still isn't--my calling. It isn't how I feel I can move the world--or at least make a dent in it. But our future is our children. And to know that I can give them inspiration, new perspectives, help their imaginations grow, and show them that some one cares about their thoughts and dreams, is the thing the drives my soul.To know I touched a life, a spirit, and through them, to someday change the world is my aim; whether through writing or signing. Sitting in an office counting the hours down to when I get home from a job where I feel like another cog in the machine would kill me.
So why am I doing this? Why am going to interview in places I know I would be miserable and feel helpless and unimportant? Because there is nothing else for me at the moment. Most interpreting jobs in schools have already been filled and I need a specific certification before I'm even considered. And so for now I must be a number until I can get myself out of it. But I will be something Bigger. Regardless of my location, and the current job that I have, I will find ways out of it. I was born to create. I was born to imagine, to feel, to describe. I was born to be a writer. Nothing else will do.
And how am I going to be a help to children if I'm starving in the streets or not able to pay an electric bill? So I must work. I just wish it had been for Signing, and not for trying to find a receptionist job. But the economy and timing was off--or perhaps right. Life will throw curve balls, and sometimes the weight of them seems impossible to survive. But we do move forward, and often because of it we grow stronger.
I'm not sure how long it will take, or even how it will happen, but I will be Something Bigger.
I can't be anything else.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Expensive Lessons and Moving Forward....Sort of.
As children growing up we're told by our parents, friends, and possibly even our embittered coworkers that 'life never turns out how you want it'. This is quite true--even if we don't always want to admit it. For instance, you can plan in every minute detail the things you will see, do, and eat on a free all expense paid trip to the Bahamas. You have suntan oil and a bikini ready along with your very convincing version of a twisted ankle to capture the attention of what will probably be a very hot lifeguard who will be rescuing you (on a Tuesday at exactly 1:15 p.m., after your massage). Everything is ready, you bored the plane and land in.....Nome Alaska. This of course, is due to the freak hurricane that hit the Bahamas--and something that you didn't fit into the itinerary.
Life is full of surprises like that. Things that you thought would be one way are completely different. It can work in both directions too. Things you were looking forward to are not what you wanted, and sometimes things you think are going to be awful end up being far better than even YOUR active imagination can produce. For me, my move to Seattle was supposed to be a wonderful, beautiful, enlightening, and enriching lifestyle change. Instead, I got a house that smelled of smoke and dog urine along with two broken windows, spiders in every nook and cranny, and even a cracked (but apparently still slightly operational) stove from the 1970's. I hadn't expected the screaming words 'No. You do NOT belong here, you need to leave.' that came from deep within my soul as I rounded the corner and saw the Seattle skyline, either.
There were a lot of things I didn't expect. I didn't expect to be incapacitated by the realization that I didn't have a friend in the world in Seattle--and that having such friends and support was vital to my very existence. I didn't expect to be curled up in a ball for four days in an unfinished room crying and too devastated to eat anything more than a bowl of cereal during the entire time. I didn't expect to have panic attacks, to have the drive to make friends and explore the new exciting city taken from me, or the unshakable knowledge that I had made a mistake constantly singing in my head. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I was supposed to be happy, elated, and doing a terrible rendition of Gene Kelly's 'Singing in the Rain' dance in downtown Seattle. Instead I was miserable, sick, terrified, and angry with myself for feeling this way.
Life is NOT how we planned it. But you can look at it two ways. Accept the circumstances and DO something about it, or not. I chose to come home. To some perhaps going home looks like failure, back to regressing so to speak. This is not how I see it. I am coming home not in defeat, but with a new lease on life. A new perspective and a deeper understanding of my real values. As a dear friend pointed out to me, 'It's only a failure if you didn't learn anything'. And learn I did. I learned that having friends and family near me are far more important than trying to prove that I'm a Grown Up, that I rely on people far more than I had thought, and that--surprsingly enough--I really do love California.
Being up there opened my eyes in a lot of ways that I'm not sure I can correctly put on paper (or computer, as the case may be!), but it has changed me in ways that only a big shock CAN change you. Going through those terrible emotions, the lonely, slow moving days, was awful. It wasn't what I had planned--nor was coming home. But life throws us curve balls all the time, and from these experiences I've discovered my limitations and what I really do put first in life. That alone was worth the 400 dollars I won't be getting back. It was an expensive lesson, but one that needed to be learned.
Over the past few days since I have been home friends have called me right and left, telling me in almost the exact same words: "I'm glad you went....I'm happier you came back". And knowing that my friends love me, respect me, and still support me makes all the pain much more bearable, and makes me realize all over again just how lucky I am to have people in my life that love me. It may not be what I had expected, but I know its something I had to go through, and in the end whether I realize it or not, the gods above have put me where I need to be--not where I was expecting to be. And that hurricane that landed you in Nome Alaska may have ruined your dreams of meeting a super hot lifeguard, but that cute hunk in plaid with a wolf at his side and a knowing smile on his face just might make up for it. Looks like you get practice your twisted ankle after all!
I'm sure you're all wondering if I'm still going to blog. That's like asking an alcoholic if they want another drink. I'm a compulsive blogger, er, or writer. So expect blogging to happen, and with a lot more frequency! It may not be the most exciting life in the world, but its mine, and someday it WILL be. As a famous Greek philosopher said "Give me a place to stand and I will move the world." And that is exactly what I intend to do with this new change.
Life is full of surprises like that. Things that you thought would be one way are completely different. It can work in both directions too. Things you were looking forward to are not what you wanted, and sometimes things you think are going to be awful end up being far better than even YOUR active imagination can produce. For me, my move to Seattle was supposed to be a wonderful, beautiful, enlightening, and enriching lifestyle change. Instead, I got a house that smelled of smoke and dog urine along with two broken windows, spiders in every nook and cranny, and even a cracked (but apparently still slightly operational) stove from the 1970's. I hadn't expected the screaming words 'No. You do NOT belong here, you need to leave.' that came from deep within my soul as I rounded the corner and saw the Seattle skyline, either.
There were a lot of things I didn't expect. I didn't expect to be incapacitated by the realization that I didn't have a friend in the world in Seattle--and that having such friends and support was vital to my very existence. I didn't expect to be curled up in a ball for four days in an unfinished room crying and too devastated to eat anything more than a bowl of cereal during the entire time. I didn't expect to have panic attacks, to have the drive to make friends and explore the new exciting city taken from me, or the unshakable knowledge that I had made a mistake constantly singing in my head. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I was supposed to be happy, elated, and doing a terrible rendition of Gene Kelly's 'Singing in the Rain' dance in downtown Seattle. Instead I was miserable, sick, terrified, and angry with myself for feeling this way.
Life is NOT how we planned it. But you can look at it two ways. Accept the circumstances and DO something about it, or not. I chose to come home. To some perhaps going home looks like failure, back to regressing so to speak. This is not how I see it. I am coming home not in defeat, but with a new lease on life. A new perspective and a deeper understanding of my real values. As a dear friend pointed out to me, 'It's only a failure if you didn't learn anything'. And learn I did. I learned that having friends and family near me are far more important than trying to prove that I'm a Grown Up, that I rely on people far more than I had thought, and that--surprsingly enough--I really do love California.
Being up there opened my eyes in a lot of ways that I'm not sure I can correctly put on paper (or computer, as the case may be!), but it has changed me in ways that only a big shock CAN change you. Going through those terrible emotions, the lonely, slow moving days, was awful. It wasn't what I had planned--nor was coming home. But life throws us curve balls all the time, and from these experiences I've discovered my limitations and what I really do put first in life. That alone was worth the 400 dollars I won't be getting back. It was an expensive lesson, but one that needed to be learned.
Over the past few days since I have been home friends have called me right and left, telling me in almost the exact same words: "I'm glad you went....I'm happier you came back". And knowing that my friends love me, respect me, and still support me makes all the pain much more bearable, and makes me realize all over again just how lucky I am to have people in my life that love me. It may not be what I had expected, but I know its something I had to go through, and in the end whether I realize it or not, the gods above have put me where I need to be--not where I was expecting to be. And that hurricane that landed you in Nome Alaska may have ruined your dreams of meeting a super hot lifeguard, but that cute hunk in plaid with a wolf at his side and a knowing smile on his face just might make up for it. Looks like you get practice your twisted ankle after all!
I'm sure you're all wondering if I'm still going to blog. That's like asking an alcoholic if they want another drink. I'm a compulsive blogger, er, or writer. So expect blogging to happen, and with a lot more frequency! It may not be the most exciting life in the world, but its mine, and someday it WILL be. As a famous Greek philosopher said "Give me a place to stand and I will move the world." And that is exactly what I intend to do with this new change.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
12 a.m. And it Keeps Going and Going and Going.....
I'm a procrastinator by nature; ask any one whose known me for more than ten minutes. It's one of the major flaws that I just can't seem to shake no matter how hard I try. And where has it led me? Its led me to cleaning my room and packing, throwing away things/objects/god knows what into bags frantically while I mutter to myself 'how the HELL I managed to have so much crap!?!?' The only relief out of this is that my room is now almost completely clean!
This would be wonderful news if it weren't for the fact that I just went down stairs and remembered that I have books, quite a number of them actually, that still need to be bagged. And I have to wonder if perhaps my paper friends really DO copy bunnies and multiply themselves without me knowing. In all good concious I can't get rid of the books I need to bag--most of them are actually ones I constantly refer to/look at/cook from, hence the reason they're downstairs.
I'm almost tempted to grab a bottle of wine (which I don't own, but that's not the point) and just stay up all night drinking myself silly while I pack crap. I know I've killed myself with time. I know I've made myself have an INSANELY ridiculous schedule, but honestly, I couldn't imagine it any other way. If I'm going to go, I'm going to go with a BANG! Which, by the way, is the sound my head is making as I smack it against a table and once again wonder how the hell I have so many books. I think they're multiplying right before my eyes now.
Tomorrow is pretty crazy though, and stretches even MY powers of flexibility. It really all falls on whether or not my cat's shots will be fast. If I'm out of there in an hour, its going to be just peachy! If not....well....I'll just have to find a way to make it work dammit! I also realized that by taking a moment to write in this blog I'm also losing precious minutes of packing time. However, I feel that as my own doctor, it would be to the benefit of my health to take a break before I go nuts.
Everyone cross their fingers, send good energy, and pass me a drink, because this party has officially been kicked into overtime!
This would be wonderful news if it weren't for the fact that I just went down stairs and remembered that I have books, quite a number of them actually, that still need to be bagged. And I have to wonder if perhaps my paper friends really DO copy bunnies and multiply themselves without me knowing. In all good concious I can't get rid of the books I need to bag--most of them are actually ones I constantly refer to/look at/cook from, hence the reason they're downstairs.
I'm almost tempted to grab a bottle of wine (which I don't own, but that's not the point) and just stay up all night drinking myself silly while I pack crap. I know I've killed myself with time. I know I've made myself have an INSANELY ridiculous schedule, but honestly, I couldn't imagine it any other way. If I'm going to go, I'm going to go with a BANG! Which, by the way, is the sound my head is making as I smack it against a table and once again wonder how the hell I have so many books. I think they're multiplying right before my eyes now.
Tomorrow is pretty crazy though, and stretches even MY powers of flexibility. It really all falls on whether or not my cat's shots will be fast. If I'm out of there in an hour, its going to be just peachy! If not....well....I'll just have to find a way to make it work dammit! I also realized that by taking a moment to write in this blog I'm also losing precious minutes of packing time. However, I feel that as my own doctor, it would be to the benefit of my health to take a break before I go nuts.
Everyone cross their fingers, send good energy, and pass me a drink, because this party has officially been kicked into overtime!
Friday, August 5, 2011
Easier to Walk than Run
I have five days until I move, and as I look at my room I can't help but realize my mom was right. It isn't the big things that are hard to move, its the little things. There are so many little things! Things that I look at and go "wow, I really don't this...how do I even pack it? Why do I even HAVE this?" But as the days rapidly disappear I realize there are many things I simply have no need for, which is why I'm eternally grateful for friends who will take my things and thrift stores that will take these random things off my hands.
But packing things isn't the only loose ends I need to tie up. I need new breaks or I'll most likely crash in a fiery blaze in cow country (which I'm sure the bovines would get a kick out of), and I need to figure out just how much drugs I need to give to my cat without killing him and make sure his shots are still up to date (gods I hope they are. Its probably expensive if he needs new ones). All of these things take time, I realize, and I should be rushing since I don't have much time left. But I find myself walking through all of it, and being reluctant. It's probably my subconscious telling me to slow down and take in these last few days. And its most likely true, now that I think (or write) about it.
Through all of this packing, stalling, and expensive money spending (thank you 400 dollar tires!), I've lost sight of the reason I want to move. And then, like an electronic voice from above, a friend of mine wrote something down that made me realize that I'm doing a very good thing by leaving home. And so, to give me a slap in the face whenever I feel that I'm having a freakout, I'm posting it here so that I won't lose sight of my reasons for moving again.
"I'm
But packing things isn't the only loose ends I need to tie up. I need new breaks or I'll most likely crash in a fiery blaze in cow country (which I'm sure the bovines would get a kick out of), and I need to figure out just how much drugs I need to give to my cat without killing him and make sure his shots are still up to date (gods I hope they are. Its probably expensive if he needs new ones). All of these things take time, I realize, and I should be rushing since I don't have much time left. But I find myself walking through all of it, and being reluctant. It's probably my subconscious telling me to slow down and take in these last few days. And its most likely true, now that I think (or write) about it.
Through all of this packing, stalling, and expensive money spending (thank you 400 dollar tires!), I've lost sight of the reason I want to move. And then, like an electronic voice from above, a friend of mine wrote something down that made me realize that I'm doing a very good thing by leaving home. And so, to give me a slap in the face whenever I feel that I'm having a freakout, I'm posting it here so that I won't lose sight of my reasons for moving again.
"I'm
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Room vs. Keely Prt. 2
For a few minutes I thought I was loosing the war in my room, but the tides took an unexpected turn and now I seem to be winning the day! Two boxes have been cleared and purged and all that's left now are to fill them with trash then put them outside, thereby leaving only what is needed to be packed! There are piles everywhere and it LOOKS like the room is winning, but I have two allies backing me; my hands and a trash bag.
It's been a bit difficult to say goodbye to things I thought I would want to keep, but also a testement to how much I've evolved, in that things I was so desperate to cling to I can look at now and say 'yes, its time to move on'. While its hard to chose between this stuffed animal and that old drawing book, its also been a lot easier than I had thought. I'm sure I'm not the first or last person to have these feelings or to even express them, but I will say that I'm very proud of myself for letting go of things that three years ago I would never have considered leaving.
In all honesty, my trip to Europe cleared me of really any ideas I had in my head that I need 'things', so to speak. I lived for a month out of a duffel bag, and when I came home to my very small closet like room I remembered looking around and thinking "wow, I really don't need any of this. Why do I have so much!?" If I had to, I probably really COULD leave almost everything behind without much regret and just leave with a car,a cat, and a friend, but I also recognize the fact that having pictures and other such things are a good way to remind you of your past and how much you HAVE changed.
So room, I'm sorry to say, you may have one the battle, but I will win the war. HAHAHA!
It's been a bit difficult to say goodbye to things I thought I would want to keep, but also a testement to how much I've evolved, in that things I was so desperate to cling to I can look at now and say 'yes, its time to move on'. While its hard to chose between this stuffed animal and that old drawing book, its also been a lot easier than I had thought. I'm sure I'm not the first or last person to have these feelings or to even express them, but I will say that I'm very proud of myself for letting go of things that three years ago I would never have considered leaving.
In all honesty, my trip to Europe cleared me of really any ideas I had in my head that I need 'things', so to speak. I lived for a month out of a duffel bag, and when I came home to my very small closet like room I remembered looking around and thinking "wow, I really don't need any of this. Why do I have so much!?" If I had to, I probably really COULD leave almost everything behind without much regret and just leave with a car,a cat, and a friend, but I also recognize the fact that having pictures and other such things are a good way to remind you of your past and how much you HAVE changed.
So room, I'm sorry to say, you may have one the battle, but I will win the war. HAHAHA!
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Optimistic List
My days--even my minutes on occasion--are filled with thoughts of 'yay' and 'nay' about my move. So to put a more positive spin on it and sound less like a psycho whose had one too many mojitos, here is a list of positive things about moving to remember and to keep me from loosing it!
-I will have my friend Dana by my side!
-I'm not alone when I move up there! Ah the powers of the internet, roommates, and family friends!
- I will get to make new friends!
- Two. Story. Swing. Club. SOOOOOO awesome!
- RAIN! Finally, a reason for all my hats, scarves, gloves, and tea that I make/drink! YES!
- I will be nearer to Canada! I foresee many a trip to a different country!
- I'm going to be able to finish my book there!
- I will be able to actually COOK FOOD and not have some one roll their eyes/complain/freak out that food isn't coming out of a JAR. Yay for moving!
These are all wonderful things that I'm going to remind myself of when I get worried. I'm very lucky in that I will not be alone, and if I really need 'grown up' help, Dana's Aunt and Uncle are always there for advice, even if they ARE two hours away.
-I will have my friend Dana by my side!
-I'm not alone when I move up there! Ah the powers of the internet, roommates, and family friends!
- I will get to make new friends!
- Two. Story. Swing. Club. SOOOOOO awesome!
- RAIN! Finally, a reason for all my hats, scarves, gloves, and tea that I make/drink! YES!
- I will be nearer to Canada! I foresee many a trip to a different country!
- I'm going to be able to finish my book there!
- I will be able to actually COOK FOOD and not have some one roll their eyes/complain/freak out that food isn't coming out of a JAR. Yay for moving!
These are all wonderful things that I'm going to remind myself of when I get worried. I'm very lucky in that I will not be alone, and if I really need 'grown up' help, Dana's Aunt and Uncle are always there for advice, even if they ARE two hours away.
Monday, July 25, 2011
The Great Beyond
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| Pioneer Square |
Why AM I moving? I have friends here, and er...sort of a family--dysfunctional and deteriorating as it is--all lined up. I have Disneyland, Knotts, and the beach all within a twenty minute drive. I have warm weather, children I love, and even a job in a school that wants me to come and work for them. I have a life that seems pretty okay to me. However, I recall that the things that I most want in life, I can't have here. I can't grow, change, or make more of myself. I will never own a house--let a lone a condo--here in California. I can't have my own life. And for those reasons alone, I need to move.
I admit freely that it DOES take me a while sometimes to adjust to ideas. For me, picking Seattle at the time was a great choice. But as the days get closer and closer I feel scared to know that I really am all alone. It's very much like the feeling I had when I first decided to move out at 19. Moving then turned out to be a good thing, despite the racing heart and panic. It had taught me more about myself than I would have learned staying at home. Seattle is just a bigger step. Its intimidating because unlike so many years ago, I will be leaving to a place where I don't know the city, the streets, or the people. On good days such thoughts make me itch to go explore. On bad days like today, it makes me worry if I'm really making the right decision, if I can really survive outside of California.
The Great Beyond seems far away and all too close at the same time. I suppose the best I can do is take a deep breath and hope to the gods above that everything (including a friend and a drugged up cat) will fit into my car. The chapter of California is over, and whether I'm ready or not, I'm about to turn the page to a new chapter. But I'm ready.
I think.
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