When life hands you lemons you don't make lemonade--you throw them right back and say "no thank you, I already have enough!"
If you're lucky, life will freak out and quickly retreat, taking its lemons and stop hounding you. If you're NOT lucky (aka, me), then life laughs at you and then throws more lemons before running away. It seems to me that recently every time I take one step forward, I get chucked at with lemons. This specific lemon is the in the shape of my beautiful baby car, Stella.
I know lots of people just see a car and go "pff, it's just a car. " But this America my friends. AMERICA. We live in our cars. We raise our families in our cars. Stella was the car that I saw driving my someday adopted kids in as we journeyed in the summer of an epic Across the Country adventure. It was where I've spent six years of my life in. It's traveled up and down California, Oregon, and Washington. I was going to take her so much further. She was the car I had when I took my little sister Audrey to her very first drive in movie. She took my little sisters to their first Ren Fair. So many wonderful memories were made in her, and I had intended to keep her forever. And now?
Now it looks like forever looks more like next Monday.
I'm not happy. There's a sliiiiiim chance she can be saved--but it doesn't look good. And then not only will I be car-less, it means I have to find a new car. A car that doesn't suck. I don't want to give up on Stella. She's my baby. But what else can I do? Life threw a lemon at me I can't dodge, nor really make lemonade out of. Maybe life is just testing me before easing off and giving my car back. Cross your fingers for me, because I really want my baby back. We have adventures to take together!
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Monday, September 8, 2014
Lament of a 20-Something
My birthday is in exactly 10 days. I feel safe putting it out on this since I know no one is really reading this! And why would you!? I'm a terrible blogger who only posts at my whim and not on any known schedule. You poor, poor, non-readers. I know how hard that must be. But we soldier on with martini glasses in one hand and a shot glass in the other in the hopes that I will write a post. Well you've all imbibed enough alcohol to please me, so here is your post!
So yes, my birthday. It's my last year in my 20's. My last year to be able to look around wide eyed and say "I dunno what to do with my life, I'm still young!" and get away with things that would be considered 'young foolish mistakes'. Its such a shame then, that I hate making dumb foolish mistakes. I was that kid that watched other kids get hurt and say "And that's why I won't do it." Yup, I was a survivor at a young age. Watch how people do things that get them hurt/in trouble and don't do it. Or just get REALLY good at lying. I think the technical term for it is 'Acting'. But I digress. It's my last year to be 20 something and then I get to be a spinster at 30. Hey, I've read the Victorian books, I know my title!
Personally, I feel bad, because I feel like I should have this panicky feeling of being considered almost over the hill. But I don't. I mean, sure, it's the 21st century and most girls are in their PRIME at 30 right? Riiiiiiggghhht.....but usually at 30 they magically meet a man and have a kid a year later, or land a terrific job in an exotic location. Or maybe that's just our hopeful thinking. But that's not me. I haven't been in a serious relationship (okay, ANY KIND of relationship) in the past three years. I feel like I'm not even anywhere near ready to be 30, let alone 29. But anyways, turning 29, realizing that I'm becoming older has me reflecting on my past quite a bit lately. Do I regret things? Do I wish I had done more? You're almost over the hill! My brain screams at me. THINK ABOUT IT. And I do.
Personally I regret nothing. Even the bad things that have happened in my life--bad things that were beyond my control as a child and bad things that happened to me through my own mistakes. I needed those experiences for a reason. Why? I don't know. But I'm sure the answer will become clear later on--it always does. I don't always LOVE the things that happened to me, but I don't regret them. Life shouldn't be lived that way. I do wish writing didn't take so long, I do wish that becoming a writer wasn't my goal in life--but it is. I can't be anything else. Its my soul. So I trudge on feeling like I'm going nowhere but knowing that somehow, my wagon and oxen are making slow gain through the mud.
Looking back, am I proud of the past 28 years? Well, I'm alive, not a drug addict, an alcoholic (I'm Irish, that's almost genetically impossible, but I did it!), or 100,000 dollars in school debt. So yes, I think I'm doing pretty damn good. I'm proud of several things I've done. I've always tried to live by the expression "Will I regret not doing this when I'm 80"? And act from there. I started saying that when I was 11. I heard it somewhere and it just....stuck. So I constantly look at my present with an air of "this is your chance, this won't come again, gogogogoooo!" Within reason of course. I want to LIVE past 80, so some things are just a "NO".
But now to look to the future! What do I want to do in the next ten years, when I'm 39? I want to see myself looking back and shaking my head in disbelief in thinking that I would be a nothing writer. I want to see myself having impacted and inspiring children to want to read, and teens to not feel so alone--or even better, that they too can be writers! I want to be 39 and looking back at the past nine years where I traveled the world, where I woke up with a different view in my window every few months. In the next ten years I want to be creative in every way. I want to not only write--I want to work with artists to make comic books. I'm a NEEK. That's my word for a nerd and a geek. I am both.
I can't just be a 'writer' I want to be more than that. I want to write. I want to help other artists, I want to collobrate and make a mark on this world with more than just words. In ten years time I want to be waking up in a hotel room in the summer time about to attend Comic Con because I'M A GUEST. There will be pocky and ramune bottles and pizza boxes everywhere while I and my kids and my sisters Audrey and Izzy wake up slightly hung over. Not the kids of course. They'll be the ones waking us up. But they'll be very smart children and they'll do it by offering us all tea. And I will be on a panel to help inspire fellow geeks. I will let them know you CAN make it, even if you're a later bloomer like me. You can do it. YOU CAN.
That's where I expect to be by the time I'm 39. And I'll get there. One birthday at a time. For now, I'll enjoy my last year being 29. I will not fear the aging process. It means i'm getting smarter, faster, stronger. Daft Punk knows all to well. SO BRING IT 29!!! BRING IT OOOOON!
So yes, my birthday. It's my last year in my 20's. My last year to be able to look around wide eyed and say "I dunno what to do with my life, I'm still young!" and get away with things that would be considered 'young foolish mistakes'. Its such a shame then, that I hate making dumb foolish mistakes. I was that kid that watched other kids get hurt and say "And that's why I won't do it." Yup, I was a survivor at a young age. Watch how people do things that get them hurt/in trouble and don't do it. Or just get REALLY good at lying. I think the technical term for it is 'Acting'. But I digress. It's my last year to be 20 something and then I get to be a spinster at 30. Hey, I've read the Victorian books, I know my title!
Personally, I feel bad, because I feel like I should have this panicky feeling of being considered almost over the hill. But I don't. I mean, sure, it's the 21st century and most girls are in their PRIME at 30 right? Riiiiiiggghhht.....but usually at 30 they magically meet a man and have a kid a year later, or land a terrific job in an exotic location. Or maybe that's just our hopeful thinking. But that's not me. I haven't been in a serious relationship (okay, ANY KIND of relationship) in the past three years. I feel like I'm not even anywhere near ready to be 30, let alone 29. But anyways, turning 29, realizing that I'm becoming older has me reflecting on my past quite a bit lately. Do I regret things? Do I wish I had done more? You're almost over the hill! My brain screams at me. THINK ABOUT IT. And I do.
Personally I regret nothing. Even the bad things that have happened in my life--bad things that were beyond my control as a child and bad things that happened to me through my own mistakes. I needed those experiences for a reason. Why? I don't know. But I'm sure the answer will become clear later on--it always does. I don't always LOVE the things that happened to me, but I don't regret them. Life shouldn't be lived that way. I do wish writing didn't take so long, I do wish that becoming a writer wasn't my goal in life--but it is. I can't be anything else. Its my soul. So I trudge on feeling like I'm going nowhere but knowing that somehow, my wagon and oxen are making slow gain through the mud.
Looking back, am I proud of the past 28 years? Well, I'm alive, not a drug addict, an alcoholic (I'm Irish, that's almost genetically impossible, but I did it!), or 100,000 dollars in school debt. So yes, I think I'm doing pretty damn good. I'm proud of several things I've done. I've always tried to live by the expression "Will I regret not doing this when I'm 80"? And act from there. I started saying that when I was 11. I heard it somewhere and it just....stuck. So I constantly look at my present with an air of "this is your chance, this won't come again, gogogogoooo!" Within reason of course. I want to LIVE past 80, so some things are just a "NO".
But now to look to the future! What do I want to do in the next ten years, when I'm 39? I want to see myself looking back and shaking my head in disbelief in thinking that I would be a nothing writer. I want to see myself having impacted and inspiring children to want to read, and teens to not feel so alone--or even better, that they too can be writers! I want to be 39 and looking back at the past nine years where I traveled the world, where I woke up with a different view in my window every few months. In the next ten years I want to be creative in every way. I want to not only write--I want to work with artists to make comic books. I'm a NEEK. That's my word for a nerd and a geek. I am both.
I can't just be a 'writer' I want to be more than that. I want to write. I want to help other artists, I want to collobrate and make a mark on this world with more than just words. In ten years time I want to be waking up in a hotel room in the summer time about to attend Comic Con because I'M A GUEST. There will be pocky and ramune bottles and pizza boxes everywhere while I and my kids and my sisters Audrey and Izzy wake up slightly hung over. Not the kids of course. They'll be the ones waking us up. But they'll be very smart children and they'll do it by offering us all tea. And I will be on a panel to help inspire fellow geeks. I will let them know you CAN make it, even if you're a later bloomer like me. You can do it. YOU CAN.
That's where I expect to be by the time I'm 39. And I'll get there. One birthday at a time. For now, I'll enjoy my last year being 29. I will not fear the aging process. It means i'm getting smarter, faster, stronger. Daft Punk knows all to well. SO BRING IT 29!!! BRING IT OOOOON!
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