Hills, Mountains, and a Hopeful Heart

 In life you have mountains and you have hills. Depending on who you are, even hills can seem like mountains. But there's no use whining about the things that pop in your life--you just have to take a deep breath (and hope that you've been working out at a gym recently) and charge up those hills and mountains, because there always going to be there, waiting. Immovable. For some people hills are getting less hours at work, being late for a meeting or date, or even accidentally paying rent late. Mountains are tougher, and often times they're internal. Such as overcoming addiction, self-hate, and depression.

My particular hill is self-doubt. Sometimes it goes away and I see nothing but a straight road to my goals with a nicely paved path and arrows blinking lights shouting, "you're going the right way!" Other times it becomes a hill that turns into a mountain and the signs are broken and read "turn back, you can't do this." Self-doubt is a hard thing to beat. Almost as hard as finding courage to climb past those signs and up the narrow trail winding into the mountains. It's something I struggle with daily. Today it was a tiny hill, tomorrow it could be a mountain. But that's where Hope comes in.

Hope for a better future, hope that my books will do well. Hope that I will somehow, someday, touch someone's life with my words. Make them look up from the last chapter and breath "It can't end!" The more I read, the more I write, the more I'm absolutely positive that writing is what I was meant to do with my life. Stories bubble up out of nowhere. Dreams. Thoughts. Laundry Commercials. Yarn. And I don't feel as much joy, agony, frustration, and triumph than when my hands are flying over my laptop keys putting forth a world that seems to come out all by itself.

I try not to listen to the self-doubt. I try to keep a hopeful heart. Because someday--and someday soon--my words will reach more than a few select friends, teenagers, and children. Someday soon my words will be seen by thousands and delight people of all ages. Or hopefully encouraged some one to want to be a writer too! For the past few weeks self-doubt has been a large mountain, but I heard a quote from a show recently, and it was so beautifully (if painfully) true that I've made it my new mantra. I say it every time I look into my e-mail box and see that I have no response from the latest agent I sent my book to. Because you need Hopeful Heart in this world of writing. Otherwise you might as well get rid of Word from your desktop and stop burning candles to the gods of writing.

"Confidence is easy. Confidence you can fake. But Success? You have to fail many times to get that." 

And Now......

Why hello blog and people who read this blog! For those that follow me (which is hardly anyone. In fact, I think it's just me and voices in my head at this point), I'm sorry! But I have a list of excuses valid reasons as to why I couldn't write on this until now!

-My social life suddenly turned exceedingly social

-I finished my book!!!!

-I looked for agents and didn't find any willing to take a chance on me and plunged into a tub (or ten) of ice cream and pasta. (each sold separately. Pasta ice cream? Eugh.)

-I lost my social life. I think it went into the direction of 'never to be seen again'.

- I had to walk my cat

-I had to wash my hair.....a lot.

As you can see, I was really really busy! I went to England over the winter time to visit my dear friend Anna, and wished I could have stayed longer than two weeks. But while I was there I got inspired and came back home with tea AND two new story ideas!

I think a while ago I once said that people only ever write on blogs (generally) when they're either exceedingly happy or very sad/angry/depressed. At the moment I'm the second one. Well, part of it. You see, I'm going to Ireland for A) research for my second book and B) a much needed vacation.  Why the sadness/depression then?? Excellent question! And the answer is:

I don't know why.

I wish I did. How hysterical is it that I get to go to a wonderful country where I've found the answer to why I am the way I am, only to be sad right before I go. I'm sure its a compilation of many little things. In part it's worry I don't have enough money to do what I want to do while I'm in Ireland (though I'll be fine, I'm sure!).Some of it is, I think, also in relation to a friendship. Or even deeper still, the thought that maybe I've become a horrible, selfish, self centered narcissist. Really, pick any adjective that describes 'me me me' attitudes and that's what I think I'm becoming. And I don't know how to un-become it. I don't think that's a word, but I'm making it one here in this blog.

People are important to me. So are friendship. And so are the opinions of others. I know technically I shouldn't care what people thing of me--but I do. Most of the time. I don't like the thought of being 'that person who talks about themselves a lot' (although I AM on this blog talking about myself....hmm...conundrum....), as that's not who I am--at least not every day of the week. And I'm not quite sure how to get back to basics so to speak. 

But enough ranting about that! I'm sure I'll figure out how to fix myself with the help of google! Google knows all! So Ireland. I'm going there. It's going to be AMAZING. It hasn't sunk in just how awesome and amazing its going to be since I'm still stressed about not having enough money. I'll probably go into the mindset that I did when I was there last time: 'You have 700 dollars for two and a half weeks. Good luck!'. I have more than 700 dollars this time around, and the exchange rate is waaaaay better than last time! But still. I have that panicky 'you don't have enough money to do this feeling'. 

So. Now you know what I'm doing and you're all caught up! I bet you didn't even get a chance to finish that cup of coffee you were in the middle of drinking while reading this! Or vodka. Whichever! The point is, that was the fastest I've ever summarized seven months of my life ever, and you were all here to witness it! Congrats!